My Blah-Blah-Blog

August 31, 2010

Part 5 – I won’t leave you hanging

Filed under: Breaking Up =(,I Can Be Serious Too, You Know...,Ramblings,Rants,Relationships — mswiggie @ 9:04 am

So what happened to them you may be wondering…

Well, we broke it off, again. I guess I did more of the breaking off.

It hurt like hell. He didn’t see it as me trying to save both of us from heartache, he just thought I’m being selfish because I want too much.

I don’t think I’m being selfish. I’m giving him the chance to find the right one, too.

If I had a nickel for every time I wished this would work out, I would have a nice savings account. But I’m not too silly not to know when it’s time to walk away.

I’m doing it because I love him and want the best for him.

And I love myself too.

And so I put on my big girl pants, and I walk away.

It makes my chest tight. It makes me feel nauseated in my heart (is that even possible!?!? Yes.) I walk away knowing that he’ll find someone else and it will be perfect and it hurts because it wasn’t me.

But that seems to be the trend lately. Ugh.

I try to keep my hopes up that maybe, maybe somewhere out there is a man whose heart is set the same way mine is, who sees a relationship as a stepping stone to something more, who knows he wants to share his life with someone else, and will choose me to be that person. He’s not afraid of it, for whatever reason.

But you know I won’t get my hopes up too high. And I definitely won’t get excited about it. That’s just my way of doing things. :)

PS a note to all you women – appreciate your man if you have one, k?

PPS a note to all you wannabe Bridezillas, stop being bitches. You’re ruining it for the rest of us.

Part 4 – Please tell me you’re kidding

Filed under: Breaking Up =(,I Can Be Serious Too, You Know...,Ramblings,Rants,Relationships — mswiggie @ 8:57 am

I hope I’ve proved my point that I’ve never been the wannabe Bridezilla, I’ve never manipulated, forced or coerced anyone into marrying me. I’ve never stomped around demanding expensive baubles for my left ring finger, none of the nonsense I’ve seen many women do.

I did get caught up in the prospect, I did allow myself to think it through and share my feelings and thoughts by a respectful and open boyfriend.

But after realizing that the two of us are on different planets when it comes to the WHEN of it all, I know when it’s time to walk away. And I’m doing it for the good of TWO not just one.

So it distresses me, hurts me, makes me feel pretty damn sad, when I hear things (and by hear things I mean read facebook posts) that refer to women as only wanting long-term commitments, or all women want is everything you’ve got (a man).

Seriously?

Since when did wanting a family become a bad thing in today’s society? What is with all these men who run as fast as they can when a woman acts like a woman? (Hey don’t you get me wrong, many women don’t want to ever be married and/or have a family. That’s cool. I get it.) I’m talking about the women who grew up wanting a family, a woman who sees a husband as a wonderful lovely thing to have in her life.

Why are so many men bashing marriage and commitment? “Don’t do it” they say. “She’s after your soul” “She’s after your money” “She’s trying to trap you”. Are you FECKING KIDDING ME!?!?

I’m sorry that loving you enough to commit my life to you is going after your soul. I’m sorry that I want to have what a lot of other normal and healthy people have – but to you that means I want to trap you. Or that I’m after your money.

It makes me sad.

I have to say it’s no wonder. With divorce rates out of control and single parents everywhere, generations are losing the GOOD part of what it means to be married. And those who are stuck in bad marriages – because they really did let themselves be trapped by a manipulative man or woman – are bitter about it and think they’re doing a service to single folks. I have news for you. Shutthehellup because you are the one who let it happen. If you didn’t want it or weren’t ready for it, you should have walked away dumbass. Don’t act all macho now because you are embarrassed that you let yourself get into this mess.

Kids don’t know what it means to have two parents in the same house anymore, so what was norm for the past few generations is now foreign to new generations.

What was taboo not quite 40 years ago (living together) is okay now. I support living together before getting married. Heck, I support living together even if you aren’t thinking of getting married. It works better logistically and it saves everyone money.

But the point is, you are still TOGETHER. You are still building a bond between the two of you. Ever have a new friend that after a sleepover was your new bestie? Imagine what it’s like in a love relationship between two people. I really do believe God intended for us to be with someone. Whether it’s one someone or ten in a lifetime, we certainly weren’t meant to be alone.

So here’s my final point.

If you don’t want to get married – not now or not ever – I respect that. It’s cool. I’m glad you know what you want when you want it.

But don’t, DO NOT date someone (and by date I mean an intimate relationship with someone for many months) who does want to get married – now or in the near future (or in the later future). It’s not fair to them.

If you do want to get married – now or in the future – I respect that.

But don’t, DO NOT date someone who does not want to get married. It’s not fair to them.

Perhaps you should both be adults about it and move on. And neither of you should make rude comments about the other because of their own personal desires. It’s not necessary. It hurts the other person. It makes you look foolish and shallow.

Part three – My mom used to always say…

Filed under: I Can Be Serious Too, You Know...,Ramblings,Rants,Relationships — mswiggie @ 8:38 am

Where was I?

Ah yes, back to the drama that is my life.

So there I was, trying to be calm and cool that this man was talking some serious stuff, and while we couldn’t yet say the “M” word, we’d pretty much come to the conclusion that we’d like to work in that direction, first off by working on the relationship with the kids.

But at some point I realized that there was more to this than I figured – it wasn’t so much a statement that he wanted to be with me really. Here’s what we figured out, and there’s a very big difference here: I wanted this to happen, in my heart I really did. And all it took to get to that point was to work on a few issues and voila, bliss. All I wanted was for him to actually SAY it to me – that this was what he wanted – me in his life forever – and then I’d get on the ball and work like crazy-mad to get the ball rolling, get the kids situation worked out and anything else that posed a hindrance to our relationship.

The problem? The fly in our chardonnay? His feelings were different – semantics if you please – but it struck a blow to my ever-fragile feelings. IF we could work out the kids situation and anything else that posed a hindrance to our relationship, then MAYBE he’d be willing to think the “M” word. Maybe.

No guarantees for either of us. Mostly for me. Why do you say? Because I’d be putting my heart and soul into a relationship – into a potential MARRIAGE (there, I said it) without knowing if that’s really where we’d end up. Sure, something could happen along the way and it wouldn’t work out, but at least we’d known we’d tried.

But this was different. He still wasn’t sure. And he was still quick to say that this wasn’t something he wanted to see happen any time soon, and I’m not talking 6 months or a year boys and girls. I’m talking 5 years. 8 years. 10 years.

I love you, but by then, well, it just won’t be feasible for me anymore. While I’m not old, not anywhere close to be old, I am staring time down the barrel and if I ever want to have another child, it’s gotta be sooner rather than later.

All the old stuff comes back up. My timeline is in the next few years, his? The next decade.

So who wins here? Who loses? Does he give up his freedom to take on this huge responsibility? Do I give up my last years of opportunity to have a baby?

Yet again I told myself that this can’t possibly work.

I told myself that I’m putting time and effort into something that he really doesn’t want.

And now, more than ever, I’m getting more and more annoyed that he wants me to act like his wife, but he doesn’t want me to be his wife.

And now, more than ever, I want to say to him PISS OR GET OFF THE POT!!!!

So, because HE brought up the whole “M” thing – meaning he is the one who went there and brought it up, he opened up that part of me that always put that away. I didn’t hope for it, wish for it, I pretty much was sure it wouldn’t happen, and here he goes throwing the possibility my way…

…and now I realize that is what I want. More than anything.

And this time in my life, I don’t think I’m willing to give Me up again. I don’t think I’m willing to sacrifice for someone else again. I lost myself to Hitler my ex-husband, I lost every bit of my SELF to him. It took me a long time to find Me again. I can’t do it again. No matter how much I love you, I can’t do it again.

I remember my mom aaalllwwwaaayyysss saying to me “To thine own self be true” (it’s Shakespeare).

That means a lot to me now, coming out of a place of co-dependence, doing everything for everyone else to keep them happy. I don’t want to be that woman anymore.

I have to be true to myself.

ME.

And in being true to myself, I’m giving him an out too. Which brings me to my next post which has left me feeling very angry this morning.

Part two – Was that… excitement!?

Filed under: I Can Be Serious Too, You Know...,Ramblings,Rants,Relationships — mswiggie @ 8:23 am

I knew that if this man and I were to be together that it would take an Act of God to make it happen. He was dead set against kids – maybe having his own in the future, the faaar out future – but going anywhere with me and my kids stirred up in him feelings of “DO NOT LIKE” which hurt me because my kids aren’t bad kids. They don’t flick boogers on other people, they don’t hit or bite, they don’t run around like monkeys ignoring every word I say. They’re good. But he didn’t like it if other people (uhm strangers!) assumed he was the dad.

I get it. I really get it. Everyone is different, not everyone likes kids (you don’t see me rushing to help out at church in the nursery/Sunday school do you!?). I’d never want to push anything on anyone, I already told you that.

Anyhoo. Months and months ago I was feeling bad about our relationship, wishing things were different. I decided to put in an application for such an Act of God so I prayed “Hey God, if this is meant to happen, it’s going to take ManDude being okay with kids. And right now I think that is pretty much impossible. But, if we’re supposed to be together, if you really did bring him into my life to be mine, and for me to be his, well, things have gotta change. TYVM The End.”

That was months ago.

So now I get a call, or maybe an email. I think it was a phone call. It was my man… and he’d been doing a lot of thinking. I prepared myself to stick to our break-up since there was no way this was going to work out. I didn’t want to fall back into our very own personalized cycle of get together and break up… so I wasn’t sure this was going to be a conversation I really wanted to have. Again.

To my surprise, he wanted to take steps to being more serious with me. Of course neither of us could spit out the “M” word, but he felt he wanted more out of our relationship, and was taking great strides (and I really do mean that) to make steps to improve his relationship with the kids. He’d gotten books to read and wanted to spend time with them. He even manned up and admitted having a negative attitude that prevented him from ever enjoying the time with all of us.

I was impressed, but doubtful. I hoped this wasn’t just a dangling carrot to get us back together. Some women (and men too I’m sure) have been put on indefinite relationship hold with promises of “trying this out” and “thinking about this” and I didn’t want that. I also didn’t want to expose my kids to something that wasn’t going to last either.

But he sounded so sincere. I thought maybe he really did want to see what life with us would be like. We talked about it as much as our comfort zones would allow. We even sat down with my pastor to get some good advice – and did we ever.

Getting married was an obvious next-step in a relationship like ours, but we all approached the subject with caution. Me because I didn’t want to get excited AT ALL because I knew this could not work out, Me because I didn’t want to feel like my actions were pressuring HIM into something. I kept my thoughts to myself as best as I could. He needed some space and some time to think this through.

But one day I was thinking about the wonderful and beautiful possibility that maybe this man had chosen ME – and maybe someone wanted me to be around in his life for forever. It was a beautiful feeling, I felt alive and good and happy. After all we’ve been through, it seemed like there were better times ahead, and I’d never have to be alone again and I could heave a big sigh and know that all was well in the world.

And about 5 minutes later I chided myself for being silly and set about to shut down my thoughts and feelings and emotions and get back to being practical and not expecting, not assuming.

It was like a lovely little flower had blossomed in too-early spring, peeking it’s lovely head above the snow, only to be snatched up by some lovely little flower eating bird all too soon.

I was willing to give him as much time as he needed, especially since he was working hard on his own stuff. But soon I’d realize something that was far hurtful than anything else I’d experienced in our relationship up to this point.

Part 1 – Expect nothing.

Filed under: Breaking Up =(,I Can Be Serious Too, You Know...,Ramblings,Rants,Relationships — mswiggie @ 7:51 am

When I was younger, I learned the lesson of “Don’t get excited too soon” and “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”  Ever tormented by the “We’ll see” response from my mom on whether or not I could have a sleepover, attend a function, go somewhere, I would get all excited as I anticipated a “yes” response. Those were few and far between however, and it wasn’t long that I learned not to anticipate or expect anything. It was a lot easier to not deal with the disappointment all the time – that high to low crash. And when a “yes” did finally come, it was almost even better, but by the time I was almost out of high school, I’d managed to suppress my feelings so much that even getting to do something I wanted to do became an anticlimactic event.

Here I am in my adult life and I’m pretty much the same. I’ve learned to shut down my emotions for the most part because of dealing with so much negativity for a very long time. I don’t get excited about much nowadays because I know there’s always a chance for something to fall through or not work out or people to bail on you. It happens, it’s life. I’m not a Debby Downer, I just don’t like to be disappointed.

When I started dating this great guy a little more than a year ago, I realized that while he and I fit into all the cutesy relationship molds of fitting together: he was the yin to my yang, we fit together like two pieces of a puzzle, we’re two birds of a feather etc etc, there was one big problem. I want a traditional family. I’d like to be married and enjoy the wonderment that is two souls coming together to love each other forever and grow old together. I’d like to have a baby with said mate, joining the two of us together in a new little person.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with feelings like that. It’s how men and women were created, to want someone else, to be with someone else. Regardless of your views of marriage, there are still a lot of people in the world who want to have that other someone in their life in a commitment of experiencing life together.

Well, that’s not what he wants, at least not right now. And, being the sensible person that I am, I didn’t get all bent out of shape about it. I did have my own little time of turmoil of wondering if I should stick to the relationship just because we were so damn good together. But after a while, thoughts that I was second guessing myself crept in. I started to feel like while this guy was probably the closest thing to my Mr. Right that I would ever get, maybe I was missing someone else at the same time, someone who shared the same desires that I had.

I let him know what I wanted in life, and he let me know what he wanted. After quite some time of considering and talk of ending our relationship, and actually doing so for a whopping 24 hours, I decided that I loved this man more than I had ever loved anyone, and I’d rather spend some time with him – as much as possible – than to walk off without him and have nothing.

I decided that I’d give up or put on hold the things I wanted: a family unit.  After all, I could never push him into something he didn’t want or wasn’t ready for. I knew I was taking a big risk by giving up my own desires: doing that in the past got me stuck in an unhealthy and unsafe relationship, and it caused a lot of damage. But this was different – this guy, while selfish in many ways (and I mean putting self first, not Scrooge-like or uncaring for others) was not going to intentionally inflict harm or pain on me. He just wasn’t giving up on what he wanted.

I could wait for him to change his mind and maybe in a few years if we were still together then he and I would be on the same page for our lives, but the risks here are obvious. What if he changes his mind about ME? What if I’M not on the same page anymore? What if I can’t have any more children? So many what if’s were scary for me, but after spending a good almost 10 years alone, I didn’t want to lose the happiness that he brought to my life NOW.

We got back together again, but part of my heart was hurt and broken. Subconsciously I felt rejected and uncared for because I was willing to sacrifice for our relationship but he wasn’t, nor did he seem to notice or care that I would give up so much for him.

This became a huge burden for me to keep to myself, but as I always do, I shoved my emotions deep down inside and ignored them, and I forced myself to only look at the good times of the relationship.

Throughout our whole dating experience, I never was the girl who would drop hints (or make outright demands) that we get married. 3, 6, 9 and 12-month anniversaries came and went and I never expected that he’d surprise me with a confession of his undying love for me. I never expected that he’d choose me to be his one and only, I never expected that he’d love me the way I loved him and saw me as the rest of who he was.

I was never that girlfriend, and I tried to love and accept him for what he was, and where he was in life, too.

But something has to give when all you do is give to everyone else in life, and one day you realize that you’ve neglected yourself for so long that you don’t know who you are. And when that time comes in the midst of losing a job and dealing with other not-so-normal stresses, you realize that you don’t have the energy to keep all these people happy all the time, feeling like you’re getting not much in return.

I felt like he was getting his cake and eating it too. I felt like I was keeping nothing for myself, but giving all away. I felt like I was cheating myself out of the life I truly wanted and I also felt like I was doing a disservice to my children, who were a constant source of strain on our relationship since he was not used to kids and saw them as an an interruption and nuisance to our relationship.

So we had yet another one of our talks, or maybe it was an email. I’m not sure what happened, but I decided that this just wasn’t working out because after 13 months of dating, we couldn’t progress.

He wanted to be with me as often as possible, he wanted every benefit that a woman would give a husband – but yet we can’t get a place together, we can’t do things with the kids because it makes him uncomfortable, we can’t talk about what getting married would look like because – in his tongue in cheek manner – he’d say that I was after his soul (and his money ha ha isn’t that funny).

It just didn’t make sense to play house with someone who wanted to play house but didn’t want to play house. Yeah you read that right.

So we ended it. He went out of town for a few days and we didn’t see each other or talk much.

Then, he surprised me.

July 28, 2010

Kids – love em or hate em – The End.

Filed under: I Can Be Serious Too, You Know...,Parenting,Ramblings,Rants — mswiggie @ 8:07 am

Well there you go. There’s my beef for today. Non-parents, did I do the wrong thing? Should I have not answered the door? Should I have planned ahead and woke my daughter up and said, “If your tooth falls out or if you break an arm or something happens in the next few hours, please don’t bother me” so that the whole mess could have been avoided?

I know I’m being awful sarcastic here, but I just don’t get what happened.

If you really do not like or care for children that much, then do not place yourself in a situation with kids. Ever. At all.

I’ve had single non-parent friends who – while on a phone call some minor emergency comes up that includes bleeding or puking – respond to my profuse embarrassed apologies by saying “I know you have kids. This is more important right now and you need to take care of them. When you can, call me back.”

Wow. What a relief THAT is to hear. How respectful of me as a parent to have grace and honesty and understanding. To be selfless in their own needs and kind to my kids.

Like I NEED someone’s permission to talk to my kid in my own home.

My children are part of me, part of my life, part of my every waking (and sleeping) moment. If you cannot grasp that, well, I don’t know what to say.

I’ve never asked much of anyone with regard to my kids. I don’t walk around telling everyone how perfect my two are, that they’re the cutest in the world, the smartest, the funniest. I’m quick to recognize my kids’ faults and try to help them through it. I’ve never dated anyone and expected them to act like a potential future dad, (although I’ve been blessed to have some amazing dudes play with and care about my kids just because). I’ve never expected anything really, and quite honestly, I feel like being a single parent is a scarlet letter and every.single.guy will see kids/divorce as baggage and warning signs.

Quite unfair really.

I don’t expect or demand anyone change. I just expect respect and understanding for this situation. I expect my kids to be recognized as half-baked humans who aren’t done yet, and to be treated with respect as to who they are and what they are. And if my kids act up, it’s MY job to come down on them and fix it.

Yes? No?

Kids – love em or hate em – Part Three

Filed under: I Can Be Serious Too, You Know...,Parenting,Ramblings — mswiggie @ 7:58 am

Without sounding boastful, my kids really are good kids, so I suppose I’ll keep them around. Neither of them went through the terrible two’s, although they had a few rough patches at 3. And while we’ve had our issues, we use communication to get through our problems and we’ve made it through some really trying times that have impacted us and could have really made a dent in our personal character.

I treat my children with the respect that any human being, young or old, big or small, deserves. I want them to enjoy their life. On the flip side, enjoying life isn’t just about being treated with respect, it’s getting grounded when you need to be grounded, it’s reprimand, it’s discipline, it’s structure.

So here’s what all the fuss is about:

My kids know when I’m on the phone, some rules are automatically in place. Turn the TV down, keep your voices down, and don’t interrupt unless you have a legitimate emergency.

Hopefully I tell them I’m on the phone. But if they don’t know because they didn’t see me pick up the phone, and come running in from outside “Mom! Mom! Guess what I found!” well then it is up to ME to tell my phone person, “Just a minute please” and inform my child I’m on the phone and will come see shortly. And if that can’t happen, then I can point at the phone and give them the “just a minute” finger and hope they get it.

I don’t think that’s rude. I don’t think it makes my kid rude.  I don’t think ANYONE should be offended, regardless of the tone or seriousness of our conversation, if I have to let someone know I’m on the phone.

Last night I had such a situation. I was on the phone having what felt like one of the most important and serious conversations of my life. It had the potential to blow up easily since emotions were high and vulnerability was evident on both sides. Behind closed doors and late into the evening, I figured the conversation was safe from interruption. I had waited on purpose for it to be a little later so that I could have such an ideal interruption-free time.

Knock knock.

Okay, so someone is knocking at my bedroom door. Whichever child it was didn’t know I was on the phone, and they were respectful of my privacy by knocking on the door.

What exactly should a parent do? Ignore the knock? Or open the door to see if there’s an emergency?

I chose the latter. I informed my conversation mate that someone was knocking to please hold on just a moment while I check to see if everything is a-ok.

Well there was my poor daughter, blood dribbling down her chin, her mouth filling with blood and saliva, her eyes wide open in the dark, and a tooth – what looked like an adult tooth – in her hand.

“Could I please call you back in a sec? My kid is bleedin!”

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew my non-kid friendly phone mate would not be happy, and sure enough their response was an irritated reply that let me know I had offended them, made them feel unimportant and not-a-priority.

I flipped on the light, yanked my kid’s mouth open, realized she’d just lost a baby molar and it was just bleeding more than normal, told her to rinse gently and she’d be okay. I managed to call my phone mate back within a minute, knowing everything was good,

…but that wasn’t good enough for them. It caused our whole conversation to go downhill from there. They were really mad that I got off the phone – that apparently it wasn’t THAT big of a deal to begin with since I was able to call back so soon anyway.

And honestly, it hurt me more than anything. Not because my non-kid friendly phone mate was annoyed at the situation, but that they didn’t care about my feelings for my child. That they decided to use this as a perfect example of my kids interrupting “all the time.”

Do people not realize that children don’t have their shit together and make mistakes? That even the best, brightest, most polite child can do something that will rub someone else the wrong way?

I’ve done everything to shield my phone mate from any potential irritation from kids. Including, to my own shame, tossing them to bed early or allowing extra video game time so that we could have more time to chat or hang out. I  pushed the limits with my kids for my own benefit and selfishness.

And, as children always will do, they reacted to it by wanting MORE of my time.

Kids – love em or hate em – Part Two

Filed under: I Can Be Serious Too, You Know...,Parenting,Ramblings — mswiggie @ 7:44 am

Do you remember being a kid? Do you remember feeling like an eternity was passing by waiting for your mom to get off the phone? For your dad to come home? For the car trip to end? Do you remember getting older and feeling like people didn’t treat you fairly or give you a chance to prove you could be responsible? I did. I tried my best but I remember feeling really let-down when I wanted to prove I’d learned from lessons taught but nobody would give me a chance. I remember hearing family members talk down to me in condescending tones just because I was younger. I’m talking early teen young – old enough to be taken more seriously than I was, but not having a “I know it all” attitude. Not yet anyway.

So being a mom myself, I try to remember how I felt when my parents, peers or adults in my life made me feel small, stupid or insignificant. I HATED asking if I could get something, do something, and the reply was “I’ll think about it” or “maybe, we’ll see.”  What does that mean!? I had to sit and wait it out, minutes, hours, days… it would have been nice to have more information or a flat-out no.

All these things I try to remember with my own kids. I try to give them appropriate information when necessary, so they GET why I say no when I do, or yes when I do, so that if the situation presents itself again, they can already have an idea of this or that is appropriate or possible. It’s helped TONS when going to the store and I *know* my kids want to get something in the checkout lane. I am proud to say my children have never, ever pitched a fit at the grocery store. Sure, they’ve been cranky at the end of a long shopping trip, fussy, hungry and tired, but never something out of my control. I’ve never allowed it to happen, and I’ve staved off such fits by setting standards for them and creating a situation to minimize such risks. For example, don’t take your toddler to the store at nap time or snack time. Duh.

Still wondering where I’m going with this? Read on my dear friend.

Kids – love em or hate em – Part One

Filed under: I Can Be Serious Too, You Know...,Parenting,Ramblings,Rants — mswiggie @ 7:37 am

I wanted to get to a specific point in this post, but I had to sort of set you up with where I’m coming from first. So just bear with me here. :)

I have to admit it – while I’m the mom of two kids, I’m really not a kid person. Surprised? It seems that a lot of women have that built-in mommy-ability to be sweet, soft-spoken, patient and nurturing with children, their own or someone else’s. It’s a trait I see often at the kids’ school: teachers who have that gift to work with and handle children like magic. But for some of us, kids are like untrained dogs who push when you pull and run off leaving you feeling helpless, powerless, and ready to pull out your hair.

The thought of babysitting someone else’s kids usually makes me cringe, especially if they aren’t well-behaved kids. I had an experience once of having a gal come over to play with us and she decided to squeeze glue all over someone’s bedsheets and pillow, and to hack to pieces a $200 Lego Star Wars spaceship. I called her mom to pick her up asap.

Having just that one experience (oh, I’ve seen more, trust me) it’s really no surprise to me when I hear people (USUALLY younger, single boys males) say how kids are little *expletives* and that they’d never want to have kids or be around kids or date someone with kids.  You see the screeching, snotty two-year old pulling on his parents or hitting a sibling at a restaurant, you see a 13-year old girl flip off her grandmother, well you get the point. It’s no secret that there are some spoiled, poorly raised kids in the world.

But if they are GOOD kids, kids who do well and try hard with the occasional hiccup because they have yet to refine their own social graces and manners, or they forget, or they run out of patience after 15 minutes of waiting for something and ask again “are we there yet” or “is it done yet” – well, is that really enough to make you hate a child? To cringe to be around them?

Kids in general don’t bother me. As a matter of fact, I find quite a bit of humor while just hanging around kids. They really do say the darndest things. They’re little people, not yet full of all the information they need to be adults like the rest of us. The only time a kid really bothers me is: if they’re incredibly rude; they won’t listen to ANYONE; they pick their nose and eat it in front of me; they are mean to or hurt my kid (or someone else’s). Even then, I’m not mad at the child. I’m annoyed at their parents for not teaching them and enforcing rules of acceptable behavior. The mother who says quietly “Now Johnny, don’t hit mommy. Now Johnny, stop biting the baby. Johnny we don’t throw knives at kittens” without giving discipline for repeated offenses, well, she deserves to be knocked upside the head. “Now Johnny” doesn’t cut it for some kids.

You probably want me to get to the point already. Ok ok, I’m getting there… read on to my next post. :)

PET PEEVE: I really hate it when I’m talking on the phone with another parent and their child starts talking to the parent. It’s not the child’s talking to the parent that bothers me at all. It’s the parent stopping in mid-sentence when talking to me, chatting with the child for 30-60 seconds and then saying to them “I can’t talk right now, I’m on the phone.” Wait, what? You just talked to your kid – which told them you can talk while on the phone. So telling them that now you can’t probably doesn’t make much sense to them and they will continue to talk to you when you are on the phone on other occasions.  On the other hand, it would not bother me if the parent said to me “excuse me for just a moment”, told the child that they were on the phone to come back later, and got back to me.

July 26, 2010

Hope

Filed under: I Can Be Serious Too, You Know...,Ramblings — mswiggie @ 8:12 pm

Looking over my last few posts, I see that I was really struggling quite a bit with the job loss and all the drama with the kids’ dad. It’s really frustrating, not just because I feel like he does everything he can to make my life miserable, but because he does things that harms the children and there’s not much I can do to stop it. So every day that I can, I try to make sure my kids are happy and healthy and are emotionally strong and resilient.

One way I’ve tried to keep myself strong and resilient the past ten years of difficulties and hardships was to keep my faith. Not necessarily faith in God per se, but faith in something better. Faith in relief. Faith in better times to come. For me, using my faith is like this:

Imagine you are drowning in the ocean. The harder you fight, the more you lose your energy, or the more you are tangled in seaweed or any other thing that could ensnare you. It’s like a losing fight and you are doomed from the beginning.  When teaching Mason to swim in the deep end of the pool earlier this summer, I told him that if he couldn’t make it (swim to) the edge of the pool and started to be afraid, I told him all he had to do was take a breath in and relax his body and go under the water. I told him to do what he was afraid of: going under. Oddly enough, it’s the relaxing, the ‘giving up’, the not fighting anymore that could save you. If you can take a breath and relax in the ocean that can swallow you whole, you can lay on your back supported by the water until you regain your strength or until blessed help arrives.

After a few weeks of fighting I decided it was time to give up. At the time, my giving up wasn’t taking a breath and relaxing or going under to get my strength back. It was the giving up that said I didn’t really care anymore and I didn’t know which way was up or down and would never figure it out. I lost faith in my faith, in my reality, in my self.

It’s obvious that I’m not in the throes of death in the middle of the ocean, so I didn’t drown from seawater and I wasn’t eaten by any sharks. But after I cried it out and pitched my fits, I allowed myself to take a breath and go under and let the water lift me back up to the top.

That’s when my perspective changed. I didn’t see endless waves of ocean without start or finish, I didn’t see the impossibility of my situation anymore. I saw the sky, the bright warm rays of the sun. I heard the call of the seagull and the gentle lull of waves. I know I can float on my back for quite a while.

I’m learning to seek out hope. Not just faith. Hope is like the fuel of faith. We can’t find what we want without hoping for it. And when we start to hope that something might happen for us, we need faith to get us there, faith that it will happen. Believing it will happen. Hope allows me to want something for myself and to feel like I deserve it. It allows me to be selfish in a good way. Hope says I would love to have a bowl of ice cream. Faith is what gets me into the car to drive to the store to see if they have the flavor I want.

I hope for many things today. I hope for my kids to be greater than I am. I hope to give them what their little hearts desire, things that have been for so long withheld from them. I hope they will grow up to be leaders and givers, people who carve their names on the heart of this world through actions of goodness and kindness and love.

It’s also for myself that I’m hope-full today. It feels good to entertain hope. I don’t have to try to figure it out or make it work. I can just lay in the water and let hope take me where I need to go.

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