My Blah-Blah-Blog

A pal from high school days wrote this in response to one of my posts on facebook. Thought I’d share it.  ”Manboy” FTW.

“I do not understand this rash of boys in men’s bodies that are ruining their children. I have a couple of friends going thru literal hell with ex’s playing games with child support and with their children’s emotions. They have an ego and power trip that are tearing their kids apart emotionally. How in God’s name could you do that to your child?

To these little boys in men’s bodies; be very thankful you don’t know me. I have no respect for a manboy who is self centered and does not take his commitments seriously when it comes to his children. They didn’t ask to be part of your sick game. Your immaturity is only trumped by your ineptitude of being a man. Yes little boy, you made that commitment when you procreated. Whether you wanted a child or not, the biological function of sex is for procreation. So if you don’t want children, use the infinite forms of birth control. Little boys who cannot make his marriage work and wants to get revenge on his ex thru emotional abuse of his kids. You will suffer in the long run as your children will grow to hate you.

The two things I can think are that they did not have a strong father figure in their lives and total self absorption. Self centered attitudes are near impossible to break. They only see themselves and have no empathy to be able to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. A father who is a man sets the stage by example of them sacrificing themselves for the betterment of their family. Those men who loved their kids more than having what the Jones’s next door have. Those fathers who committed themselves to raising their children until their children are able to care for themselves. You do not have to be with the ex, but you are still responsible for their upbringing and working with the ex to make the best world possible for those children. I am blessed to have a father who did just that and set a stage of a man being responsible for his family and putting their wellbeing ahead of anything else and to have a mother and father celebrating 42 years of marriage.

I realize there are MEN out there who do that. I know of one particular former marine that talks to his kids every night before they go to bed. Who even though he and his ex could not be with each other in the form of marriage, have forged a relationship that works for the children’s interest and well being. He lived like a pauper to cover alimony and child support until his agreement on alimony expired. I respect his and his actions for doing what it takes to make his family a success.

To those real men out there that thru actions show their love and commitment to their children by paying their child support and do not use their children as pawns in a sick game to further abuse their ex, I applaud and have respect for you! Keep up the good fight!”

Last night my daughter posted on her little kid blog some ranting raves about her friend and how her friend helped her get a boyfriend. Because we talk often about internet safety, my daughter uses a nickname for her friend: lollipop. I believe my daughter is meatball or cookie or noodle. Anyway, my daughter’s dad read the blog post before I did and called U P S E T to see the words “lollipop” and “boyfriend” in the same paragraph.  Now, honest mistake. I’m far more obsessive about insinuations when it comes to my daughter and we talk often about things that are appropriate or inappropriate. However, in reading and rereading her post, I saw nothing that could be harmful to a young person, even the most crass of us would have to take a minute or two to TRY to turn her post into something inappropriate.  (We’ve since spoken about the post with a calm and intelligent manner and tweaked it a bit).

Unfortunately her dad went into a rant about how she obviously has nobody watching out for her in her life (me) and he’s very, very concerned. She wasn’t sure what she’d done wrong and after a moment he backtracked and made sure to say it wasn’t HER that he had issue with, but the blog post. Then it wasn’t really the blog post, it was ME, her mom, and how he “sends money all the time and this is what he gets.”  After a few more nasty comments about me – the mom – I stepped in and ended the conversation. After all, what mom wants ANYONE to chide her daughter, much less her father? I myself have been frequent subject to his rants which – when we were married – ALWAYS ended with a smoothing over, something akin to “If you hadn’t made me so mad I would not have done that.”  Typical abuse pattern: they blow up at you, they apologize merely by laying the blame on you. I will be damned if I allow him to repeat this verbal and emotional abuse on my daughter.

As soon as I stepped in, however, I was treated to a barrage of foul language and name calling which included threats for calling an attorney, venomous attacks that I was useless and I should “get a job.” Apparently if you do not have a job then you are useless scum of the earth.  He didn’t like that I reminded him that he doesn’t really send child support every month and at some point hung up on  me.

Brilliant move you big fat tool. To overreact in such a way was so juvenile. It was so juvenile – and yet so typical of you – that your words really didn’t bother me.  Of COURSE you called back a few minutes later after I tried to soothe your daughter who was very upset now that you were upset about her blog AND that you had been so mean to me. And of course to nobody’s surprise, you tried to smooth it over and remind her how much you really do love her and would do anything for her. And it was no surprise to her either when you repeatedly blamed “her mother” for the evenings events. Well, I have news for you: your kids are on to you. You are quite consistent with your behavior but see, so am I. I am consistent with NOT blaming you or ever saying anything bad about  you. I am also consistent with telling them that it is unacceptable for parents to put kids in the middle and to speak badly of the other parent.

Good job, you are doing what your kids know you should not be doing. And I don’t even need to tell them.

And because of other things you’ve said (see below), I’ve decided to write you an open letter. I’m not afraid to put this on the internet. I’ve done nothing wrong or illegal, I don’t name you and I’m speaking from my heart. So go ahead, make a copy and save this.

Dear Ex Husband:

Last night you mentioned to our daughter that you have a computer program that is always running to work to record everything I post online. I’m glad you’ve taken up so much interest in what is going on in my daily life, enough that you want to record it and keep it for posterity sake. I’m also glad you are aware of every time the kids get online or log online. That could be considered a little creepy and stalkerish, and I’m really not sure why you think it’s important to know those things OR how you manage to do that. In all honesty I think you are full of it and merely said that to send ME a message that you’re watching me.

But like I said, you’re welcome to read my blog, you’re welcome to follow my Tweets. Maybe you can get more information on what is going on in your kids’ lives since you hardly call them or talk to them. Really. Calling once a week or less isn’t how to build this great relationship with your children that you so often tell them you are trying your damnedest to do.

Since I know you are reading this (well, you say you are so I hope you are telling the truth) I’d like to take this opportunity to make a few things clear to you:

Making threats to call your lawyer because you are upset with me is silly. Differing parental styles isn’t a reason to cry to your lawyer. Differing opinions isn’t a good reason to make threats to take children away from their parent. It’s an empty threat, one of many you have made over the past 12+ years. I’m not afraid of you, or your threats, or your caustic, rude, foul, name-calling verbal abuse.

I am not afraid to butt into a telephone conversation when you are speaking to our daughter and saying negative things to her about me, or are using subversive, passive aggressive psychological warfare on her to try to make her upset with me. You shoot yourself in the foot every single time you do this. She knows I do NOT speak ill of you and that parents should not do so. She also knows that you signed a parenting agreement that says you will not do so. She sees – by your own doing – that you are not a man of your word.

She also knows that when you tell her in one breath that you have a million dollars in the bank, and in another you say you don’t have money because times are tight – and back that up by not sending child support on a consistent monthly basis – that you contradict what you say.

The children also know why you were arrested a few Christmases ago. You and your wife told them it was my fault and my doing. That is an unacceptable way to treat the children and so to defend myself and to help them understand that I would never do something to ruin their Christmas by harming them, I showed them the legal record leading to your arrest. Again, by trying to make me out to be the bad guy, you’ve only succeeded to have your plan backfire.

Just so you know, bringing up a horrible and hurtful incident to your daughter, one that holds for her much emotional pain, so that you can try to make her think it is my fault, it doesn’t work out. She knows that people who have hurt her own 100% responsibility for their evil and wicked actions. To remind her of this incident and to bring it up solely for your own selfish purposes is reprehensible to me especially as you are her FATHER.

You made a few comments about hoping that I am able to push you so far out of the kids’ lives that they succeed far beyond your hopes and dreams. This makes no sense and is yet another obvious attempt to plant a seed in the kids’ minds that I am somehow responsible for coming between you and them. Fortunately for them, they are smart and they hear what you are really saying, and the message you’ve sent them is that they will do better in life without you. I don’t think that’s something you want to promote.

Years ago when our daughter was a baby, you’d had a lot of drinks and you came to me and pulled me up close to you and looked straight into my eyes and said “If you ever leave me, I’ll make you feel such pain like you’ve never felt before, and when I’m done with you, no man will want you.”  Well, guess what? You were half right: never have I experienced the pain and agony that YOU put me through. Never have I been with someone else who made threats and took from me every bit that they could. Never have I again been with someone who WITHHELD MEDICAL CARE from me in an emergency situation. Never have I been pushed around and bullied by another man. So you are correct, the bad things in my life were always at your hand. It’s called emotional terrorism, verbal abuse, psychological abuse and physical abuse. No, I had no bruises or broken bones and you never punched me – but it still remains that by definition you are an abuser.

However, I DID leave you and your curse to be unlovable and unworthy hasn’t held true. I’ve met real men, wonderful men, who treated me a million times better at their worst than you ever did at your best.  I’ve never been screamed at, called names, I’ve been treated well and cared for with loving and tender intents. Your children have seen role models that present a positive image, one that does no harm to children through bullying or psychological tactics.

For all you claim to want for your children, you spend a lot of time and energy on what you think I say about you, and what you think you should say about me. But no amount of your worthless words will tell my children any less: that I love them, respect them and truly have their best interest at heart. You remind them that I “took” them and you spew out the word “mother” with such hate and nastiness. They hear this and realize this but your words cannot and will NEVER undo the sacrifices I’ve made for them to make them better people, healthy people. I truly do have their best interest at heart and I will die before I do anything to harm them intentionally, and that includes attempting to paint a picture of you that is less-than-pretty. I’ve stood up for you and made excuses for you – for all the times you never wrote or called on birthdays or holidays, for the times you have said mean things about me.

Even the time your wife WOKE OUR DAUGHTER UP and instructed her to “act like she was crying” while you berated me on the phone for your arrest because YOU CHOSE NOT TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT AND YOU CHOSE NOT TO SHOW UP FOR A COURT HEARING. This is nauseating and wicked behavior.

And your children know it. And this makes you guilty of attempting to alienate your children from me. Read this for a moment: http://www.mrcustodycoach.com/blog/child-custody-tip-parental-alienation or do some research on it.

So a word of advice to you: whatever it is you think you need to do or say to your children, pause before you do. Are you speaking words of life and love and care to them? Are you equipping them for their future? Or are you sowing seeds of bitterness and resentment?  Are you truly a role model of a father to your daughter, and a man to your son? Do you want your children to be as you have been?

We cannot choose our children’s trials and tribulations, and helping our children heal does not mean placing blame on others. What happened to our daughter happens to millions of children around the world. You know that you have another child who had a similar situation and yet you do not blame her mother.

And another reminder: I’m not the only wife who left you. I’m not the only wife with CHILDREN who moved out of state to be closer to family and a better life for her children. Perhaps the common denominator here is not the women you choose to marry, but rather you.

Perhaps instead of blaming us you should stop and consider this: had you been a better man, a more truthful and honest man, a man willing to sacrifice and a man willing to accept the blame when he does not and will not provide for his family, then this would not have happened. If we had not HAD to leave you for our own sanity, for my own safety, then this would not have happened.

Stop placing your children in the middle of this situation. This is harmful to them. You took a parenting class, no? You read the court document you signed when we reached an agreement for custody, no? Do you not understand that YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE who is deliberately hurting your own children?

Stop it. Stop, stop, stop it. Be a better man and be a better father. I know it’s in there somewhere. For once sacrifice your own needs for the needs of your children. They need you. They don’t need to hear you cut down their mother while you try to make yourself look or feel better. It’s not working. You only succeed in making yourself look the fool.

I just posted this song on Facebook. It’s one of my favorites and always makes me feel better when I’m bummin’ quite a bit.

Lately I’ve been feeling like moving along myself. Not just moving along from broken relationships, but moving along from this entire place. I’ve got the curse of an Army Brat – the one where you feel compelled to move every year or three. I’ve done pretty well with it lately, usually you can just rearrange furniture to sate your desire for relocation, but sometimes it’s a call that I actually choose to follow.

Now that I’m a mummy with two kids, I have to be careful not to pack up and run off when the whim hits me: it’s important for these kids to have roots and a community.

Recent months have got me itching to pack up and move somewhere else though. I’m craving a small town similar to those seen on TV or movies – the little town where everyone knows everyone else, the fire department still puts up a Nativity scene at Christmas time and nobody has a problem with it, the whole town goes to the Homecoming parade and game in the fall when the leaves are turning gold and red and orange and the smell of fall is in the air, the town where kids play outside and are invited into the neighbor’s house for cookies and you’re sitting on your porch waving at those who drive by. You know, the town from Dennis the Menace, or Steel Magnolias, or Baby Boom… heck it’s even the town Mystic Falls on the Vampire Diaries.

Tell me those places still exist, please. (Sans vampires of course).

That’s what I want so badly right now.

But how does one pack up an entire 3-bedroom townhouse and hit the road into the unknown? How do you get a job that you know you’ll like when you’ve never been to the town you want to move to? What about moving THEN finding a job? Where do you stay? How do you rent a house when the city you want to move to is hundreds of miles away?

I’m not sure, but if you know, please let me know. This girl is ready for a do-over. I’m ready to leave behind more than my fair share of demons here.

Until then… well, I’ll try to move along as best as I can, but I really don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere.

So what happened to them you may be wondering…

Well, we broke it off, again. I guess I did more of the breaking off.

It hurt like hell. He didn’t see it as me trying to save both of us from heartache, he just thought I’m being selfish because I want too much.

I don’t think I’m being selfish. I’m giving him the chance to find the right one, too.

If I had a nickel for every time I wished this would work out, I would have a nice savings account. But I’m not too silly not to know when it’s time to walk away.

I’m doing it because I love him and want the best for him.

And I love myself too.

And so I put on my big girl pants, and I walk away.

It makes my chest tight. It makes me feel nauseated in my heart (is that even possible!?!? Yes.) I walk away knowing that he’ll find someone else and it will be perfect and it hurts because it wasn’t me.

But that seems to be the trend lately. Ugh.

I try to keep my hopes up that maybe, maybe somewhere out there is a man whose heart is set the same way mine is, who sees a relationship as a stepping stone to something more, who knows he wants to share his life with someone else, and will choose me to be that person. He’s not afraid of it, for whatever reason.

But you know I won’t get my hopes up too high. And I definitely won’t get excited about it. That’s just my way of doing things.

PS a note to all you women – appreciate your man if you have one, k?

PPS a note to all you wannabe Bridezillas, stop being bitches. You’re ruining it for the rest of us.

I hope I’ve proved my point that I’ve never been the wannabe Bridezilla, I’ve never manipulated, forced or coerced anyone into marrying me. I’ve never stomped around demanding expensive baubles for my left ring finger, none of the nonsense I’ve seen many women do.

I did get caught up in the prospect, I did allow myself to think it through and share my feelings and thoughts by a respectful and open boyfriend.

But after realizing that the two of us are on different planets when it comes to the WHEN of it all, I know when it’s time to walk away. And I’m doing it for the good of TWO not just one.

So it distresses me, hurts me, makes me feel pretty damn sad, when I hear things (and by hear things I mean read facebook posts) that refer to women as only wanting long-term commitments, or all women want is everything you’ve got (a man).

Seriously?

Since when did wanting a family become a bad thing in today’s society? What is with all these men who run as fast as they can when a woman acts like a woman? (Hey don’t you get me wrong, many women don’t want to ever be married and/or have a family. That’s cool. I get it.) I’m talking about the women who grew up wanting a family, a woman who sees a husband as a wonderful lovely thing to have in her life.

Why are so many men bashing marriage and commitment? “Don’t do it” they say. “She’s after your soul” “She’s after your money” “She’s trying to trap you”. Are you FECKING KIDDING ME!?!?

I’m sorry that loving you enough to commit my life to you is going after your soul. I’m sorry that I want to have what a lot of other normal and healthy people have – but to you that means I want to trap you. Or that I’m after your money.

It makes me sad.

I have to say it’s no wonder. With divorce rates out of control and single parents everywhere, generations are losing the GOOD part of what it means to be married. And those who are stuck in bad marriages – because they really did let themselves be trapped by a manipulative man or woman – are bitter about it and think they’re doing a service to single folks. I have news for you. Shutthehellup because you are the one who let it happen. If you didn’t want it or weren’t ready for it, you should have walked away dumbass. Don’t act all macho now because you are embarrassed that you let yourself get into this mess.

Kids don’t know what it means to have two parents in the same house anymore, so what was norm for the past few generations is now foreign to new generations.

What was taboo not quite 40 years ago (living together) is okay now. I support living together before getting married. Heck, I support living together even if you aren’t thinking of getting married. It works better logistically and it saves everyone money.

But the point is, you are still TOGETHER. You are still building a bond between the two of you. Ever have a new friend that after a sleepover was your new bestie? Imagine what it’s like in a love relationship between two people. I really do believe God intended for us to be with someone. Whether it’s one someone or ten in a lifetime, we certainly weren’t meant to be alone.

So here’s my final point.

If you don’t want to get married – not now or not ever – I respect that. It’s cool. I’m glad you know what you want when you want it.

But don’t, DO NOT date someone (and by date I mean an intimate relationship with someone for many months) who does want to get married – now or in the near future (or in the later future). It’s not fair to them.

If you do want to get married – now or in the future – I respect that.

But don’t, DO NOT date someone who does not want to get married. It’s not fair to them.

Perhaps you should both be adults about it and move on. And neither of you should make rude comments about the other because of their own personal desires. It’s not necessary. It hurts the other person. It makes you look foolish and shallow.

Where was I?

Ah yes, back to the drama that is my life.

So there I was, trying to be calm and cool that this man was talking some serious stuff, and while we couldn’t yet say the “M” word, we’d pretty much come to the conclusion that we’d like to work in that direction, first off by working on the relationship with the kids.

But at some point I realized that there was more to this than I figured – it wasn’t so much a statement that he wanted to be with me really. Here’s what we figured out, and there’s a very big difference here: I wanted this to happen, in my heart I really did. And all it took to get to that point was to work on a few issues and voila, bliss. All I wanted was for him to actually SAY it to me – that this was what he wanted – me in his life forever – and then I’d get on the ball and work like crazy-mad to get the ball rolling, get the kids situation worked out and anything else that posed a hindrance to our relationship.

The problem? The fly in our chardonnay? His feelings were different – semantics if you please – but it struck a blow to my ever-fragile feelings. IF we could work out the kids situation and anything else that posed a hindrance to our relationship, then MAYBE he’d be willing to think the “M” word. Maybe.

No guarantees for either of us. Mostly for me. Why do you say? Because I’d be putting my heart and soul into a relationship – into a potential MARRIAGE (there, I said it) without knowing if that’s really where we’d end up. Sure, something could happen along the way and it wouldn’t work out, but at least we’d known we’d tried.

But this was different. He still wasn’t sure. And he was still quick to say that this wasn’t something he wanted to see happen any time soon, and I’m not talking 6 months or a year boys and girls. I’m talking 5 years. 8 years. 10 years.

I love you, but by then, well, it just won’t be feasible for me anymore. While I’m not old, not anywhere close to be old, I am staring time down the barrel and if I ever want to have another child, it’s gotta be sooner rather than later.

All the old stuff comes back up. My timeline is in the next few years, his? The next decade.

So who wins here? Who loses? Does he give up his freedom to take on this huge responsibility? Do I give up my last years of opportunity to have a baby?

Yet again I told myself that this can’t possibly work.

I told myself that I’m putting time and effort into something that he really doesn’t want.

And now, more than ever, I’m getting more and more annoyed that he wants me to act like his wife, but he doesn’t want me to be his wife.

And now, more than ever, I want to say to him PISS OR GET OFF THE POT!!!!

So, because HE brought up the whole “M” thing – meaning he is the one who went there and brought it up, he opened up that part of me that always put that away. I didn’t hope for it, wish for it, I pretty much was sure it wouldn’t happen, and here he goes throwing the possibility my way…

…and now I realize that is what I want. More than anything.

And this time in my life, I don’t think I’m willing to give Me up again. I don’t think I’m willing to sacrifice for someone else again. I lost myself to Hitler my ex-husband, I lost every bit of my SELF to him. It took me a long time to find Me again. I can’t do it again. No matter how much I love you, I can’t do it again.

I remember my mom aaalllwwwaaayyysss saying to me “To thine own self be true” (it’s Shakespeare).

That means a lot to me now, coming out of a place of co-dependence, doing everything for everyone else to keep them happy. I don’t want to be that woman anymore.

I have to be true to myself.

ME.

And in being true to myself, I’m giving him an out too. Which brings me to my next post which has left me feeling very angry this morning.

I knew that if this man and I were to be together that it would take an Act of God to make it happen. He was dead set against kids – maybe having his own in the future, the faaar out future – but going anywhere with me and my kids stirred up in him feelings of “DO NOT LIKE” which hurt me because my kids aren’t bad kids. They don’t flick boogers on other people, they don’t hit or bite, they don’t run around like monkeys ignoring every word I say. They’re good. But he didn’t like it if other people (uhm strangers!) assumed he was the dad.

I get it. I really get it. Everyone is different, not everyone likes kids (you don’t see me rushing to help out at church in the nursery/Sunday school do you!?). I’d never want to push anything on anyone, I already told you that.

Anyhoo. Months and months ago I was feeling bad about our relationship, wishing things were different. I decided to put in an application for such an Act of God so I prayed “Hey God, if this is meant to happen, it’s going to take ManDude being okay with kids. And right now I think that is pretty much impossible. But, if we’re supposed to be together, if you really did bring him into my life to be mine, and for me to be his, well, things have gotta change. TYVM The End.”

That was months ago.

So now I get a call, or maybe an email. I think it was a phone call. It was my man… and he’d been doing a lot of thinking. I prepared myself to stick to our break-up since there was no way this was going to work out. I didn’t want to fall back into our very own personalized cycle of get together and break up… so I wasn’t sure this was going to be a conversation I really wanted to have. Again.

To my surprise, he wanted to take steps to being more serious with me. Of course neither of us could spit out the “M” word, but he felt he wanted more out of our relationship, and was taking great strides (and I really do mean that) to make steps to improve his relationship with the kids. He’d gotten books to read and wanted to spend time with them. He even manned up and admitted having a negative attitude that prevented him from ever enjoying the time with all of us.

I was impressed, but doubtful. I hoped this wasn’t just a dangling carrot to get us back together. Some women (and men too I’m sure) have been put on indefinite relationship hold with promises of “trying this out” and “thinking about this” and I didn’t want that. I also didn’t want to expose my kids to something that wasn’t going to last either.

But he sounded so sincere. I thought maybe he really did want to see what life with us would be like. We talked about it as much as our comfort zones would allow. We even sat down with my pastor to get some good advice – and did we ever.

Getting married was an obvious next-step in a relationship like ours, but we all approached the subject with caution. Me because I didn’t want to get excited AT ALL because I knew this could not work out, Me because I didn’t want to feel like my actions were pressuring HIM into something. I kept my thoughts to myself as best as I could. He needed some space and some time to think this through.

But one day I was thinking about the wonderful and beautiful possibility that maybe this man had chosen ME – and maybe someone wanted me to be around in his life for forever. It was a beautiful feeling, I felt alive and good and happy. After all we’ve been through, it seemed like there were better times ahead, and I’d never have to be alone again and I could heave a big sigh and know that all was well in the world.

And about 5 minutes later I chided myself for being silly and set about to shut down my thoughts and feelings and emotions and get back to being practical and not expecting, not assuming.

It was like a lovely little flower had blossomed in too-early spring, peeking it’s lovely head above the snow, only to be snatched up by some lovely little flower eating bird all too soon.

I was willing to give him as much time as he needed, especially since he was working hard on his own stuff. But soon I’d realize something that was far hurtful than anything else I’d experienced in our relationship up to this point.

When I was younger, I learned the lesson of “Don’t get excited too soon” and “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”  Ever tormented by the “We’ll see” response from my mom on whether or not I could have a sleepover, attend a function, go somewhere, I would get all excited as I anticipated a “yes” response. Those were few and far between however, and it wasn’t long that I learned not to anticipate or expect anything. It was a lot easier to not deal with the disappointment all the time – that high to low crash. And when a “yes” did finally come, it was almost even better, but by the time I was almost out of high school, I’d managed to suppress my feelings so much that even getting to do something I wanted to do became an anticlimactic event.

Here I am in my adult life and I’m pretty much the same. I’ve learned to shut down my emotions for the most part because of dealing with so much negativity for a very long time. I don’t get excited about much nowadays because I know there’s always a chance for something to fall through or not work out or people to bail on you. It happens, it’s life. I’m not a Debby Downer, I just don’t like to be disappointed.

When I started dating this great guy a little more than a year ago, I realized that while he and I fit into all the cutesy relationship molds of fitting together: he was the yin to my yang, we fit together like two pieces of a puzzle, we’re two birds of a feather etc etc, there was one big problem. I want a traditional family. I’d like to be married and enjoy the wonderment that is two souls coming together to love each other forever and grow old together. I’d like to have a baby with said mate, joining the two of us together in a new little person.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with feelings like that. It’s how men and women were created, to want someone else, to be with someone else. Regardless of your views of marriage, there are still a lot of people in the world who want to have that other someone in their life in a commitment of experiencing life together.

Well, that’s not what he wants, at least not right now. And, being the sensible person that I am, I didn’t get all bent out of shape about it. I did have my own little time of turmoil of wondering if I should stick to the relationship just because we were so damn good together. But after a while, thoughts that I was second guessing myself crept in. I started to feel like while this guy was probably the closest thing to my Mr. Right that I would ever get, maybe I was missing someone else at the same time, someone who shared the same desires that I had.

I let him know what I wanted in life, and he let me know what he wanted. After quite some time of considering and talk of ending our relationship, and actually doing so for a whopping 24 hours, I decided that I loved this man more than I had ever loved anyone, and I’d rather spend some time with him – as much as possible – than to walk off without him and have nothing.

I decided that I’d give up or put on hold the things I wanted: a family unit.  After all, I could never push him into something he didn’t want or wasn’t ready for. I knew I was taking a big risk by giving up my own desires: doing that in the past got me stuck in an unhealthy and unsafe relationship, and it caused a lot of damage. But this was different – this guy, while selfish in many ways (and I mean putting self first, not Scrooge-like or uncaring for others) was not going to intentionally inflict harm or pain on me. He just wasn’t giving up on what he wanted.

I could wait for him to change his mind and maybe in a few years if we were still together then he and I would be on the same page for our lives, but the risks here are obvious. What if he changes his mind about ME? What if I’M not on the same page anymore? What if I can’t have any more children? So many what if’s were scary for me, but after spending a good almost 10 years alone, I didn’t want to lose the happiness that he brought to my life NOW.

We got back together again, but part of my heart was hurt and broken. Subconsciously I felt rejected and uncared for because I was willing to sacrifice for our relationship but he wasn’t, nor did he seem to notice or care that I would give up so much for him.

This became a huge burden for me to keep to myself, but as I always do, I shoved my emotions deep down inside and ignored them, and I forced myself to only look at the good times of the relationship.

Throughout our whole dating experience, I never was the girl who would drop hints (or make outright demands) that we get married. 3, 6, 9 and 12-month anniversaries came and went and I never expected that he’d surprise me with a confession of his undying love for me. I never expected that he’d choose me to be his one and only, I never expected that he’d love me the way I loved him and saw me as the rest of who he was.

I was never that girlfriend, and I tried to love and accept him for what he was, and where he was in life, too.

But something has to give when all you do is give to everyone else in life, and one day you realize that you’ve neglected yourself for so long that you don’t know who you are. And when that time comes in the midst of losing a job and dealing with other not-so-normal stresses, you realize that you don’t have the energy to keep all these people happy all the time, feeling like you’re getting not much in return.

I felt like he was getting his cake and eating it too. I felt like I was keeping nothing for myself, but giving all away. I felt like I was cheating myself out of the life I truly wanted and I also felt like I was doing a disservice to my children, who were a constant source of strain on our relationship since he was not used to kids and saw them as an an interruption and nuisance to our relationship.

So we had yet another one of our talks, or maybe it was an email. I’m not sure what happened, but I decided that this just wasn’t working out because after 13 months of dating, we couldn’t progress.

He wanted to be with me as often as possible, he wanted every benefit that a woman would give a husband – but yet we can’t get a place together, we can’t do things with the kids because it makes him uncomfortable, we can’t talk about what getting married would look like because – in his tongue in cheek manner – he’d say that I was after his soul (and his money ha ha isn’t that funny).

It just didn’t make sense to play house with someone who wanted to play house but didn’t want to play house. Yeah you read that right.

So we ended it. He went out of town for a few days and we didn’t see each other or talk much.

Then, he surprised me.

Well there you go. There’s my beef for today. Non-parents, did I do the wrong thing? Should I have not answered the door? Should I have planned ahead and woke my daughter up and said, “If your tooth falls out or if you break an arm or something happens in the next few hours, please don’t bother me” so that the whole mess could have been avoided?

I know I’m being awful sarcastic here, but I just don’t get what happened.

If you really do not like or care for children that much, then do not place yourself in a situation with kids. Ever. At all.

I’ve had single non-parent friends who – while on a phone call some minor emergency comes up that includes bleeding or puking – respond to my profuse embarrassed apologies by saying “I know you have kids. This is more important right now and you need to take care of them. When you can, call me back.”

Wow. What a relief THAT is to hear. How respectful of me as a parent to have grace and honesty and understanding. To be selfless in their own needs and kind to my kids.

Like I NEED someone’s permission to talk to my kid in my own home.

My children are part of me, part of my life, part of my every waking (and sleeping) moment. If you cannot grasp that, well, I don’t know what to say.

I’ve never asked much of anyone with regard to my kids. I don’t walk around telling everyone how perfect my two are, that they’re the cutest in the world, the smartest, the funniest. I’m quick to recognize my kids’ faults and try to help them through it. I’ve never dated anyone and expected them to act like a potential future dad, (although I’ve been blessed to have some amazing dudes play with and care about my kids just because). I’ve never expected anything really, and quite honestly, I feel like being a single parent is a scarlet letter and every.single.guy will see kids/divorce as baggage and warning signs.

Quite unfair really.

I don’t expect or demand anyone change. I just expect respect and understanding for this situation. I expect my kids to be recognized as half-baked humans who aren’t done yet, and to be treated with respect as to who they are and what they are. And if my kids act up, it’s MY job to come down on them and fix it.

Yes? No?

I wanted to get to a specific point in this post, but I had to sort of set you up with where I’m coming from first. So just bear with me here.

I have to admit it – while I’m the mom of two kids, I’m really not a kid person. Surprised? It seems that a lot of women have that built-in mommy-ability to be sweet, soft-spoken, patient and nurturing with children, their own or someone else’s. It’s a trait I see often at the kids’ school: teachers who have that gift to work with and handle children like magic. But for some of us, kids are like untrained dogs who push when you pull and run off leaving you feeling helpless, powerless, and ready to pull out your hair.

The thought of babysitting someone else’s kids usually makes me cringe, especially if they aren’t well-behaved kids. I had an experience once of having a gal come over to play with us and she decided to squeeze glue all over someone’s bedsheets and pillow, and to hack to pieces a $200 Lego Star Wars spaceship. I called her mom to pick her up asap.

Having just that one experience (oh, I’ve seen more, trust me) it’s really no surprise to me when I hear people (USUALLY younger, single boys males) say how kids are little *expletives* and that they’d never want to have kids or be around kids or date someone with kids.  You see the screeching, snotty two-year old pulling on his parents or hitting a sibling at a restaurant, you see a 13-year old girl flip off her grandmother, well you get the point. It’s no secret that there are some spoiled, poorly raised kids in the world.

But if they are GOOD kids, kids who do well and try hard with the occasional hiccup because they have yet to refine their own social graces and manners, or they forget, or they run out of patience after 15 minutes of waiting for something and ask again “are we there yet” or “is it done yet” – well, is that really enough to make you hate a child? To cringe to be around them?

Kids in general don’t bother me. As a matter of fact, I find quite a bit of humor while just hanging around kids. They really do say the darndest things. They’re little people, not yet full of all the information they need to be adults like the rest of us. The only time a kid really bothers me is: if they’re incredibly rude; they won’t listen to ANYONE; they pick their nose and eat it in front of me; they are mean to or hurt my kid (or someone else’s). Even then, I’m not mad at the child. I’m annoyed at their parents for not teaching them and enforcing rules of acceptable behavior. The mother who says quietly “Now Johnny, don’t hit mommy. Now Johnny, stop biting the baby. Johnny we don’t throw knives at kittens” without giving discipline for repeated offenses, well, she deserves to be knocked upside the head. “Now Johnny” doesn’t cut it for some kids.

You probably want me to get to the point already. Ok ok, I’m getting there… read on to my next post.

PET PEEVE: I really hate it when I’m talking on the phone with another parent and their child starts talking to the parent. It’s not the child’s talking to the parent that bothers me at all. It’s the parent stopping in mid-sentence when talking to me, chatting with the child for 30-60 seconds and then saying to them “I can’t talk right now, I’m on the phone.” Wait, what? You just talked to your kid – which told them you can talk while on the phone. So telling them that now you can’t probably doesn’t make much sense to them and they will continue to talk to you when you are on the phone on other occasions.  On the other hand, it would not bother me if the parent said to me “excuse me for just a moment”, told the child that they were on the phone to come back later, and got back to me.