My Blah-Blah-Blog

Last night my daughter posted on her little kid blog some ranting raves about her friend and how her friend helped her get a boyfriend. Because we talk often about internet safety, my daughter uses a nickname for her friend: lollipop. I believe my daughter is meatball or cookie or noodle. Anyway, my daughter’s dad read the blog post before I did and called U P S E T to see the words “lollipop” and “boyfriend” in the same paragraph.  Now, honest mistake. I’m far more obsessive about insinuations when it comes to my daughter and we talk often about things that are appropriate or inappropriate. However, in reading and rereading her post, I saw nothing that could be harmful to a young person, even the most crass of us would have to take a minute or two to TRY to turn her post into something inappropriate.  (We’ve since spoken about the post with a calm and intelligent manner and tweaked it a bit).

Unfortunately her dad went into a rant about how she obviously has nobody watching out for her in her life (me) and he’s very, very concerned. She wasn’t sure what she’d done wrong and after a moment he backtracked and made sure to say it wasn’t HER that he had issue with, but the blog post. Then it wasn’t really the blog post, it was ME, her mom, and how he “sends money all the time and this is what he gets.”  After a few more nasty comments about me – the mom – I stepped in and ended the conversation. After all, what mom wants ANYONE to chide her daughter, much less her father? I myself have been frequent subject to his rants which – when we were married – ALWAYS ended with a smoothing over, something akin to “If you hadn’t made me so mad I would not have done that.”  Typical abuse pattern: they blow up at you, they apologize merely by laying the blame on you. I will be damned if I allow him to repeat this verbal and emotional abuse on my daughter.

As soon as I stepped in, however, I was treated to a barrage of foul language and name calling which included threats for calling an attorney, venomous attacks that I was useless and I should “get a job.” Apparently if you do not have a job then you are useless scum of the earth.  He didn’t like that I reminded him that he doesn’t really send child support every month and at some point hung up on  me.

Brilliant move you big fat tool. To overreact in such a way was so juvenile. It was so juvenile – and yet so typical of you – that your words really didn’t bother me.  Of COURSE you called back a few minutes later after I tried to soothe your daughter who was very upset now that you were upset about her blog AND that you had been so mean to me. And of course to nobody’s surprise, you tried to smooth it over and remind her how much you really do love her and would do anything for her. And it was no surprise to her either when you repeatedly blamed “her mother” for the evenings events. Well, I have news for you: your kids are on to you. You are quite consistent with your behavior but see, so am I. I am consistent with NOT blaming you or ever saying anything bad about  you. I am also consistent with telling them that it is unacceptable for parents to put kids in the middle and to speak badly of the other parent.

Good job, you are doing what your kids know you should not be doing. And I don’t even need to tell them.

And because of other things you’ve said (see below), I’ve decided to write you an open letter. I’m not afraid to put this on the internet. I’ve done nothing wrong or illegal, I don’t name you and I’m speaking from my heart. So go ahead, make a copy and save this.

Dear Ex Husband:

Last night you mentioned to our daughter that you have a computer program that is always running to work to record everything I post online. I’m glad you’ve taken up so much interest in what is going on in my daily life, enough that you want to record it and keep it for posterity sake. I’m also glad you are aware of every time the kids get online or log online. That could be considered a little creepy and stalkerish, and I’m really not sure why you think it’s important to know those things OR how you manage to do that. In all honesty I think you are full of it and merely said that to send ME a message that you’re watching me.

But like I said, you’re welcome to read my blog, you’re welcome to follow my Tweets. Maybe you can get more information on what is going on in your kids’ lives since you hardly call them or talk to them. Really. Calling once a week or less isn’t how to build this great relationship with your children that you so often tell them you are trying your damnedest to do.

Since I know you are reading this (well, you say you are so I hope you are telling the truth) I’d like to take this opportunity to make a few things clear to you:

Making threats to call your lawyer because you are upset with me is silly. Differing parental styles isn’t a reason to cry to your lawyer. Differing opinions isn’t a good reason to make threats to take children away from their parent. It’s an empty threat, one of many you have made over the past 12+ years. I’m not afraid of you, or your threats, or your caustic, rude, foul, name-calling verbal abuse.

I am not afraid to butt into a telephone conversation when you are speaking to our daughter and saying negative things to her about me, or are using subversive, passive aggressive psychological warfare on her to try to make her upset with me. You shoot yourself in the foot every single time you do this. She knows I do NOT speak ill of you and that parents should not do so. She also knows that you signed a parenting agreement that says you will not do so. She sees – by your own doing – that you are not a man of your word.

She also knows that when you tell her in one breath that you have a million dollars in the bank, and in another you say you don’t have money because times are tight – and back that up by not sending child support on a consistent monthly basis – that you contradict what you say.

The children also know why you were arrested a few Christmases ago. You and your wife told them it was my fault and my doing. That is an unacceptable way to treat the children and so to defend myself and to help them understand that I would never do something to ruin their Christmas by harming them, I showed them the legal record leading to your arrest. Again, by trying to make me out to be the bad guy, you’ve only succeeded to have your plan backfire.

Just so you know, bringing up a horrible and hurtful incident to your daughter, one that holds for her much emotional pain, so that you can try to make her think it is my fault, it doesn’t work out. She knows that people who have hurt her own 100% responsibility for their evil and wicked actions. To remind her of this incident and to bring it up solely for your own selfish purposes is reprehensible to me especially as you are her FATHER.

You made a few comments about hoping that I am able to push you so far out of the kids’ lives that they succeed far beyond your hopes and dreams. This makes no sense and is yet another obvious attempt to plant a seed in the kids’ minds that I am somehow responsible for coming between you and them. Fortunately for them, they are smart and they hear what you are really saying, and the message you’ve sent them is that they will do better in life without you. I don’t think that’s something you want to promote.

Years ago when our daughter was a baby, you’d had a lot of drinks and you came to me and pulled me up close to you and looked straight into my eyes and said “If you ever leave me, I’ll make you feel such pain like you’ve never felt before, and when I’m done with you, no man will want you.”  Well, guess what? You were half right: never have I experienced the pain and agony that YOU put me through. Never have I been with someone else who made threats and took from me every bit that they could. Never have I again been with someone who WITHHELD MEDICAL CARE from me in an emergency situation. Never have I been pushed around and bullied by another man. So you are correct, the bad things in my life were always at your hand. It’s called emotional terrorism, verbal abuse, psychological abuse and physical abuse. No, I had no bruises or broken bones and you never punched me – but it still remains that by definition you are an abuser.

However, I DID leave you and your curse to be unlovable and unworthy hasn’t held true. I’ve met real men, wonderful men, who treated me a million times better at their worst than you ever did at your best.  I’ve never been screamed at, called names, I’ve been treated well and cared for with loving and tender intents. Your children have seen role models that present a positive image, one that does no harm to children through bullying or psychological tactics.

For all you claim to want for your children, you spend a lot of time and energy on what you think I say about you, and what you think you should say about me. But no amount of your worthless words will tell my children any less: that I love them, respect them and truly have their best interest at heart. You remind them that I “took” them and you spew out the word “mother” with such hate and nastiness. They hear this and realize this but your words cannot and will NEVER undo the sacrifices I’ve made for them to make them better people, healthy people. I truly do have their best interest at heart and I will die before I do anything to harm them intentionally, and that includes attempting to paint a picture of you that is less-than-pretty. I’ve stood up for you and made excuses for you – for all the times you never wrote or called on birthdays or holidays, for the times you have said mean things about me.

Even the time your wife WOKE OUR DAUGHTER UP and instructed her to “act like she was crying” while you berated me on the phone for your arrest because YOU CHOSE NOT TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT AND YOU CHOSE NOT TO SHOW UP FOR A COURT HEARING. This is nauseating and wicked behavior.

And your children know it. And this makes you guilty of attempting to alienate your children from me. Read this for a moment: http://www.mrcustodycoach.com/blog/child-custody-tip-parental-alienation or do some research on it.

So a word of advice to you: whatever it is you think you need to do or say to your children, pause before you do. Are you speaking words of life and love and care to them? Are you equipping them for their future? Or are you sowing seeds of bitterness and resentment?  Are you truly a role model of a father to your daughter, and a man to your son? Do you want your children to be as you have been?

We cannot choose our children’s trials and tribulations, and helping our children heal does not mean placing blame on others. What happened to our daughter happens to millions of children around the world. You know that you have another child who had a similar situation and yet you do not blame her mother.

And another reminder: I’m not the only wife who left you. I’m not the only wife with CHILDREN who moved out of state to be closer to family and a better life for her children. Perhaps the common denominator here is not the women you choose to marry, but rather you.

Perhaps instead of blaming us you should stop and consider this: had you been a better man, a more truthful and honest man, a man willing to sacrifice and a man willing to accept the blame when he does not and will not provide for his family, then this would not have happened. If we had not HAD to leave you for our own sanity, for my own safety, then this would not have happened.

Stop placing your children in the middle of this situation. This is harmful to them. You took a parenting class, no? You read the court document you signed when we reached an agreement for custody, no? Do you not understand that YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE who is deliberately hurting your own children?

Stop it. Stop, stop, stop it. Be a better man and be a better father. I know it’s in there somewhere. For once sacrifice your own needs for the needs of your children. They need you. They don’t need to hear you cut down their mother while you try to make yourself look or feel better. It’s not working. You only succeed in making yourself look the fool.

So what happened to them you may be wondering…

Well, we broke it off, again. I guess I did more of the breaking off.

It hurt like hell. He didn’t see it as me trying to save both of us from heartache, he just thought I’m being selfish because I want too much.

I don’t think I’m being selfish. I’m giving him the chance to find the right one, too.

If I had a nickel for every time I wished this would work out, I would have a nice savings account. But I’m not too silly not to know when it’s time to walk away.

I’m doing it because I love him and want the best for him.

And I love myself too.

And so I put on my big girl pants, and I walk away.

It makes my chest tight. It makes me feel nauseated in my heart (is that even possible!?!? Yes.) I walk away knowing that he’ll find someone else and it will be perfect and it hurts because it wasn’t me.

But that seems to be the trend lately. Ugh.

I try to keep my hopes up that maybe, maybe somewhere out there is a man whose heart is set the same way mine is, who sees a relationship as a stepping stone to something more, who knows he wants to share his life with someone else, and will choose me to be that person. He’s not afraid of it, for whatever reason.

But you know I won’t get my hopes up too high. And I definitely won’t get excited about it. That’s just my way of doing things.

PS a note to all you women – appreciate your man if you have one, k?

PPS a note to all you wannabe Bridezillas, stop being bitches. You’re ruining it for the rest of us.

I hope I’ve proved my point that I’ve never been the wannabe Bridezilla, I’ve never manipulated, forced or coerced anyone into marrying me. I’ve never stomped around demanding expensive baubles for my left ring finger, none of the nonsense I’ve seen many women do.

I did get caught up in the prospect, I did allow myself to think it through and share my feelings and thoughts by a respectful and open boyfriend.

But after realizing that the two of us are on different planets when it comes to the WHEN of it all, I know when it’s time to walk away. And I’m doing it for the good of TWO not just one.

So it distresses me, hurts me, makes me feel pretty damn sad, when I hear things (and by hear things I mean read facebook posts) that refer to women as only wanting long-term commitments, or all women want is everything you’ve got (a man).

Seriously?

Since when did wanting a family become a bad thing in today’s society? What is with all these men who run as fast as they can when a woman acts like a woman? (Hey don’t you get me wrong, many women don’t want to ever be married and/or have a family. That’s cool. I get it.) I’m talking about the women who grew up wanting a family, a woman who sees a husband as a wonderful lovely thing to have in her life.

Why are so many men bashing marriage and commitment? “Don’t do it” they say. “She’s after your soul” “She’s after your money” “She’s trying to trap you”. Are you FECKING KIDDING ME!?!?

I’m sorry that loving you enough to commit my life to you is going after your soul. I’m sorry that I want to have what a lot of other normal and healthy people have – but to you that means I want to trap you. Or that I’m after your money.

It makes me sad.

I have to say it’s no wonder. With divorce rates out of control and single parents everywhere, generations are losing the GOOD part of what it means to be married. And those who are stuck in bad marriages – because they really did let themselves be trapped by a manipulative man or woman – are bitter about it and think they’re doing a service to single folks. I have news for you. Shutthehellup because you are the one who let it happen. If you didn’t want it or weren’t ready for it, you should have walked away dumbass. Don’t act all macho now because you are embarrassed that you let yourself get into this mess.

Kids don’t know what it means to have two parents in the same house anymore, so what was norm for the past few generations is now foreign to new generations.

What was taboo not quite 40 years ago (living together) is okay now. I support living together before getting married. Heck, I support living together even if you aren’t thinking of getting married. It works better logistically and it saves everyone money.

But the point is, you are still TOGETHER. You are still building a bond between the two of you. Ever have a new friend that after a sleepover was your new bestie? Imagine what it’s like in a love relationship between two people. I really do believe God intended for us to be with someone. Whether it’s one someone or ten in a lifetime, we certainly weren’t meant to be alone.

So here’s my final point.

If you don’t want to get married – not now or not ever – I respect that. It’s cool. I’m glad you know what you want when you want it.

But don’t, DO NOT date someone (and by date I mean an intimate relationship with someone for many months) who does want to get married – now or in the near future (or in the later future). It’s not fair to them.

If you do want to get married – now or in the future – I respect that.

But don’t, DO NOT date someone who does not want to get married. It’s not fair to them.

Perhaps you should both be adults about it and move on. And neither of you should make rude comments about the other because of their own personal desires. It’s not necessary. It hurts the other person. It makes you look foolish and shallow.

Where was I?

Ah yes, back to the drama that is my life.

So there I was, trying to be calm and cool that this man was talking some serious stuff, and while we couldn’t yet say the “M” word, we’d pretty much come to the conclusion that we’d like to work in that direction, first off by working on the relationship with the kids.

But at some point I realized that there was more to this than I figured – it wasn’t so much a statement that he wanted to be with me really. Here’s what we figured out, and there’s a very big difference here: I wanted this to happen, in my heart I really did. And all it took to get to that point was to work on a few issues and voila, bliss. All I wanted was for him to actually SAY it to me – that this was what he wanted – me in his life forever – and then I’d get on the ball and work like crazy-mad to get the ball rolling, get the kids situation worked out and anything else that posed a hindrance to our relationship.

The problem? The fly in our chardonnay? His feelings were different – semantics if you please – but it struck a blow to my ever-fragile feelings. IF we could work out the kids situation and anything else that posed a hindrance to our relationship, then MAYBE he’d be willing to think the “M” word. Maybe.

No guarantees for either of us. Mostly for me. Why do you say? Because I’d be putting my heart and soul into a relationship – into a potential MARRIAGE (there, I said it) without knowing if that’s really where we’d end up. Sure, something could happen along the way and it wouldn’t work out, but at least we’d known we’d tried.

But this was different. He still wasn’t sure. And he was still quick to say that this wasn’t something he wanted to see happen any time soon, and I’m not talking 6 months or a year boys and girls. I’m talking 5 years. 8 years. 10 years.

I love you, but by then, well, it just won’t be feasible for me anymore. While I’m not old, not anywhere close to be old, I am staring time down the barrel and if I ever want to have another child, it’s gotta be sooner rather than later.

All the old stuff comes back up. My timeline is in the next few years, his? The next decade.

So who wins here? Who loses? Does he give up his freedom to take on this huge responsibility? Do I give up my last years of opportunity to have a baby?

Yet again I told myself that this can’t possibly work.

I told myself that I’m putting time and effort into something that he really doesn’t want.

And now, more than ever, I’m getting more and more annoyed that he wants me to act like his wife, but he doesn’t want me to be his wife.

And now, more than ever, I want to say to him PISS OR GET OFF THE POT!!!!

So, because HE brought up the whole “M” thing – meaning he is the one who went there and brought it up, he opened up that part of me that always put that away. I didn’t hope for it, wish for it, I pretty much was sure it wouldn’t happen, and here he goes throwing the possibility my way…

…and now I realize that is what I want. More than anything.

And this time in my life, I don’t think I’m willing to give Me up again. I don’t think I’m willing to sacrifice for someone else again. I lost myself to Hitler my ex-husband, I lost every bit of my SELF to him. It took me a long time to find Me again. I can’t do it again. No matter how much I love you, I can’t do it again.

I remember my mom aaalllwwwaaayyysss saying to me “To thine own self be true” (it’s Shakespeare).

That means a lot to me now, coming out of a place of co-dependence, doing everything for everyone else to keep them happy. I don’t want to be that woman anymore.

I have to be true to myself.

ME.

And in being true to myself, I’m giving him an out too. Which brings me to my next post which has left me feeling very angry this morning.

I knew that if this man and I were to be together that it would take an Act of God to make it happen. He was dead set against kids – maybe having his own in the future, the faaar out future – but going anywhere with me and my kids stirred up in him feelings of “DO NOT LIKE” which hurt me because my kids aren’t bad kids. They don’t flick boogers on other people, they don’t hit or bite, they don’t run around like monkeys ignoring every word I say. They’re good. But he didn’t like it if other people (uhm strangers!) assumed he was the dad.

I get it. I really get it. Everyone is different, not everyone likes kids (you don’t see me rushing to help out at church in the nursery/Sunday school do you!?). I’d never want to push anything on anyone, I already told you that.

Anyhoo. Months and months ago I was feeling bad about our relationship, wishing things were different. I decided to put in an application for such an Act of God so I prayed “Hey God, if this is meant to happen, it’s going to take ManDude being okay with kids. And right now I think that is pretty much impossible. But, if we’re supposed to be together, if you really did bring him into my life to be mine, and for me to be his, well, things have gotta change. TYVM The End.”

That was months ago.

So now I get a call, or maybe an email. I think it was a phone call. It was my man… and he’d been doing a lot of thinking. I prepared myself to stick to our break-up since there was no way this was going to work out. I didn’t want to fall back into our very own personalized cycle of get together and break up… so I wasn’t sure this was going to be a conversation I really wanted to have. Again.

To my surprise, he wanted to take steps to being more serious with me. Of course neither of us could spit out the “M” word, but he felt he wanted more out of our relationship, and was taking great strides (and I really do mean that) to make steps to improve his relationship with the kids. He’d gotten books to read and wanted to spend time with them. He even manned up and admitted having a negative attitude that prevented him from ever enjoying the time with all of us.

I was impressed, but doubtful. I hoped this wasn’t just a dangling carrot to get us back together. Some women (and men too I’m sure) have been put on indefinite relationship hold with promises of “trying this out” and “thinking about this” and I didn’t want that. I also didn’t want to expose my kids to something that wasn’t going to last either.

But he sounded so sincere. I thought maybe he really did want to see what life with us would be like. We talked about it as much as our comfort zones would allow. We even sat down with my pastor to get some good advice – and did we ever.

Getting married was an obvious next-step in a relationship like ours, but we all approached the subject with caution. Me because I didn’t want to get excited AT ALL because I knew this could not work out, Me because I didn’t want to feel like my actions were pressuring HIM into something. I kept my thoughts to myself as best as I could. He needed some space and some time to think this through.

But one day I was thinking about the wonderful and beautiful possibility that maybe this man had chosen ME – and maybe someone wanted me to be around in his life for forever. It was a beautiful feeling, I felt alive and good and happy. After all we’ve been through, it seemed like there were better times ahead, and I’d never have to be alone again and I could heave a big sigh and know that all was well in the world.

And about 5 minutes later I chided myself for being silly and set about to shut down my thoughts and feelings and emotions and get back to being practical and not expecting, not assuming.

It was like a lovely little flower had blossomed in too-early spring, peeking it’s lovely head above the snow, only to be snatched up by some lovely little flower eating bird all too soon.

I was willing to give him as much time as he needed, especially since he was working hard on his own stuff. But soon I’d realize something that was far hurtful than anything else I’d experienced in our relationship up to this point.

When I was younger, I learned the lesson of “Don’t get excited too soon” and “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”  Ever tormented by the “We’ll see” response from my mom on whether or not I could have a sleepover, attend a function, go somewhere, I would get all excited as I anticipated a “yes” response. Those were few and far between however, and it wasn’t long that I learned not to anticipate or expect anything. It was a lot easier to not deal with the disappointment all the time – that high to low crash. And when a “yes” did finally come, it was almost even better, but by the time I was almost out of high school, I’d managed to suppress my feelings so much that even getting to do something I wanted to do became an anticlimactic event.

Here I am in my adult life and I’m pretty much the same. I’ve learned to shut down my emotions for the most part because of dealing with so much negativity for a very long time. I don’t get excited about much nowadays because I know there’s always a chance for something to fall through or not work out or people to bail on you. It happens, it’s life. I’m not a Debby Downer, I just don’t like to be disappointed.

When I started dating this great guy a little more than a year ago, I realized that while he and I fit into all the cutesy relationship molds of fitting together: he was the yin to my yang, we fit together like two pieces of a puzzle, we’re two birds of a feather etc etc, there was one big problem. I want a traditional family. I’d like to be married and enjoy the wonderment that is two souls coming together to love each other forever and grow old together. I’d like to have a baby with said mate, joining the two of us together in a new little person.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with feelings like that. It’s how men and women were created, to want someone else, to be with someone else. Regardless of your views of marriage, there are still a lot of people in the world who want to have that other someone in their life in a commitment of experiencing life together.

Well, that’s not what he wants, at least not right now. And, being the sensible person that I am, I didn’t get all bent out of shape about it. I did have my own little time of turmoil of wondering if I should stick to the relationship just because we were so damn good together. But after a while, thoughts that I was second guessing myself crept in. I started to feel like while this guy was probably the closest thing to my Mr. Right that I would ever get, maybe I was missing someone else at the same time, someone who shared the same desires that I had.

I let him know what I wanted in life, and he let me know what he wanted. After quite some time of considering and talk of ending our relationship, and actually doing so for a whopping 24 hours, I decided that I loved this man more than I had ever loved anyone, and I’d rather spend some time with him – as much as possible – than to walk off without him and have nothing.

I decided that I’d give up or put on hold the things I wanted: a family unit.  After all, I could never push him into something he didn’t want or wasn’t ready for. I knew I was taking a big risk by giving up my own desires: doing that in the past got me stuck in an unhealthy and unsafe relationship, and it caused a lot of damage. But this was different – this guy, while selfish in many ways (and I mean putting self first, not Scrooge-like or uncaring for others) was not going to intentionally inflict harm or pain on me. He just wasn’t giving up on what he wanted.

I could wait for him to change his mind and maybe in a few years if we were still together then he and I would be on the same page for our lives, but the risks here are obvious. What if he changes his mind about ME? What if I’M not on the same page anymore? What if I can’t have any more children? So many what if’s were scary for me, but after spending a good almost 10 years alone, I didn’t want to lose the happiness that he brought to my life NOW.

We got back together again, but part of my heart was hurt and broken. Subconsciously I felt rejected and uncared for because I was willing to sacrifice for our relationship but he wasn’t, nor did he seem to notice or care that I would give up so much for him.

This became a huge burden for me to keep to myself, but as I always do, I shoved my emotions deep down inside and ignored them, and I forced myself to only look at the good times of the relationship.

Throughout our whole dating experience, I never was the girl who would drop hints (or make outright demands) that we get married. 3, 6, 9 and 12-month anniversaries came and went and I never expected that he’d surprise me with a confession of his undying love for me. I never expected that he’d choose me to be his one and only, I never expected that he’d love me the way I loved him and saw me as the rest of who he was.

I was never that girlfriend, and I tried to love and accept him for what he was, and where he was in life, too.

But something has to give when all you do is give to everyone else in life, and one day you realize that you’ve neglected yourself for so long that you don’t know who you are. And when that time comes in the midst of losing a job and dealing with other not-so-normal stresses, you realize that you don’t have the energy to keep all these people happy all the time, feeling like you’re getting not much in return.

I felt like he was getting his cake and eating it too. I felt like I was keeping nothing for myself, but giving all away. I felt like I was cheating myself out of the life I truly wanted and I also felt like I was doing a disservice to my children, who were a constant source of strain on our relationship since he was not used to kids and saw them as an an interruption and nuisance to our relationship.

So we had yet another one of our talks, or maybe it was an email. I’m not sure what happened, but I decided that this just wasn’t working out because after 13 months of dating, we couldn’t progress.

He wanted to be with me as often as possible, he wanted every benefit that a woman would give a husband – but yet we can’t get a place together, we can’t do things with the kids because it makes him uncomfortable, we can’t talk about what getting married would look like because – in his tongue in cheek manner – he’d say that I was after his soul (and his money ha ha isn’t that funny).

It just didn’t make sense to play house with someone who wanted to play house but didn’t want to play house. Yeah you read that right.

So we ended it. He went out of town for a few days and we didn’t see each other or talk much.

Then, he surprised me.

If you don’t know by now, I’ve been dealing with some relationship issues the past few days, weeks, months. =)

See, I met this amazing guy. I was in a lonely time in my life and was praying, hoping for someone to come along and sweep me off of my feet. By chance I met up with my downstairs neighbor who’d lived below me for several months and don’t you know, we hit it off.

I don’t just mean we hit it off as in “wow what a great time, hope we hang out again soon” sort of way. No no no, I mean we were inseparable for months, doing everything together. We had great dates, great long deep conversations about life and love and everything in-between. Even a trip to the grocery store was fun together. He’s a perfect fit for me: we never argue, he’s romantic and considerate (did I mention he’s an amazing kisser!?), he’s handsome and funny and I’ve never been this in-love (excluding how I feel about David Boreanaz but that’s different) and I’ve never been in this great or healthy of a relationship for this long.

So why on earth am I talking break-up with this Mr. Perfect!? Well, it’s because I want to get married and have one more little baby before too long. And, while Mr. Perfect may want that one day, it’s not any time soon. As in, maybe late this century.  It doesn’t help that I’m already blessed with two little offspring which likely causes him a little panic as if I’m looking for a new dad for my kids.

I get that. I respect that. And I would never, ever force him into something he wasn’t ready for, or didn’t want. I remember when I met my now ex-husband he had two kids and was divorced. I can’t say I’m without empathy for Mr. Perfect.

That actually isn’t the point here. I have heard from many a-friends over the past three weeks seeking relationship advice. Not sure why they are coming to me, but hey it’s a girl’s duty to help her girlfriends out, right?

There seems to be a problem and it’s impacting almost every single one of my single girlfriends in the world. “I just want to get married, and settle down.” Okay, nothing wrong with that, right?

So why is it, then, that SO MANY of today’s available guys are declaring  “we’re breaking up because she wants to get married someday.”

Yeah, so what? Now, I’m not talking about the guy who doesn’t want to marry the chick he’s only been dating for a few weeks, or the guy who is trying to finish college and start a career so he can provide for a family someday in the future. I’m talking about the guys who act like getting married is a terrible, horrible panic-inducing thought.

Call it commitment issues, call it being afraid of never being able to ogle at a strippers boobies at a birthday celebration, call it whatever you want. I just think we should call it something.

When I was growing up, I was reading books and watching movies that all had one theme in common: young girl wants love, finds love, marries man of her dreams. I was told there was someone out there just for me, and one day we’d meet and get married and have cute little babies. So I waited for that. Waited and waited and waited. And when Hitler my ex came along, I’d waited for so long that when someone came along who was a potential, I settled on him thinking no one else was coming and he’d do. (Bad idea).

But back to my whining. We girls grow up thinking we’re going to get married some day. But it seems that men are more and more afraid of marriage. I can’t say that I blame them with ridiculous divorce rates like 1 of every 2 marriages end in divorce. Disheartening indeed.

So guys, really, what is it? Now, don’t tell me you are backing off from the girls are badgering you to get married. I’m not looking for the why behind THAT sort of refusal. I’d likely tell you to run the other way – and fast – if a girl is truly pressuring you or badgering you to jump into a lifelong committment way too soon.

What I AM looking for is:

why do guys make girls feel bad for even wanting to get married? We get made fun of for looking at the pretty sparkly dresses or pretty rings, thinking about all the fantasies we’d had since we were little girls of being THAT girl on her wedding day. Why is that a bad thing?

Why do you want to run away the moment a girl admits “Well, yeah I have always wanted to get married and have a family and a pretty little house.” She never said WITH YOU so if it’s in the conversation, why do you feel like she’s sinking her talons into you!?

I’m wondering if it’s because there are so many single parent families out there that boys and girls are growing up thinking being single is how to do things. (Note: don’t get me wrong, PLEASE. There isn’t anything wrong with being single (hello, I’m single) and a big fat medal is awarded by me to every single single-parent out there because you are truly saints).

So tell me what you all think. Do women over-think, over-plan for the day of her dreams? Should we all just forget about finding Mr. Right, Mr. Perfect and focus on our careers, our homes, our dogs? Should women tell a man straight up: Hey, I want to get married at some point. Not today, maybe not to you, but I want you to know that I’m dating with the intent of finding someone I’m compatible with, in hopes that the relationship could lead to something deeper, longer lasting. And if this doesn’t go anywhere, I’m cool with that. But if we end up being head-over-heels in love, well I’d like to hope you would feel the same way about wanting to be with me forever as I do with you.”

Be nice with comments. And, for the record, Mr. Perfect is right in how he feels right now, and this blog has nothing to do with whether or not he wants to hang out with me for forever.

It’s happened to all of us I’m sure: breaking-up. I broke up with my first beau in kindergarten, but we exchanged fat pencils and were still friends after all was said and done. My most recent (and probably most painful) just happened within a week.

So, how ’bout you? Gotta make it through a tough break-up? It’s possible to do, even though right now you probably feel like climbing into a hole and crying your eyes out for the rest of your life. I know I do.

Just take a deep breath and from here on out think with your head more than you think with your heart. And maybe take in a little of what I have to say.

First of all, remember that a relationship – romantic or otherwise – is based on emotions.  It only stands to reason that all of the emotional buildup and bliss and romantic giddy feelings leading to your relationship has to come down the other side of the hill. It’s painful, heart-wrenching, and it hurts oh-so-bad. This is one of the times in life where you really have to buckle down, prepare yourself for the torrent of emotions that are going to come up (and may be worse on some days more than others). I gotta repeat a concept for you here: you absolutely have GOT to do your best to think everything through with your head to get through this! You cannot rely on emotions to define your reality.

The next important thing to remember is this: be mature about the break-up. Sure, your feelings are probably hurt. You may be really mad at your new ‘ex’. But listen: it wasn’t so long ago that you loved this person (and probably still do). Remember the good things about your ex, the things that made you enjoy their company and your relationships. Don’t focus on how or why you broke up. The fact is, none of those things matter now as you walk through this initial phase of your break-up. Honestly, thinking about the negatives will only hurt you and draw out the process. Trying to figure out the why or the how of the breakup could set you back: you will want to try to get him or her back even though you’ve reached the conclusion that you shouldn’t be together, or you may manipulate your ex to take you back just so you don’t have to experience this pain (or allow yourself to be manipulated!).

Along the lines of being mature, don’t bad-mouth your ex, regardless of what he or she has done. Take the higher road and leave it be. Any potential future dates don’t want to hear you badmouth your current ex. He or she may take that as a big red flag. Avoid the drama, let it go. Stop contacting your ex, even if it’s an amicable split. This doesn’t have to be permanent, but you really do need a few days to get all of these emotions out of your system!

And lastly, take some time to let those emotions out. Cry a few nights in a row, be sad about whatever you want to be sad about: the loss of the relationship, loss of a friendship, all the good memories you had. You may feel like you’ll never love anyone this much ever again. You may feel rejected, betrayed, angry. Allow each emotion to surface, take a look at why you think you’re experiencing it, and let it be for a few minutes. Trying to stuff your emotions to just move on may help you for the short-term, but in the long-run it will reach a potentially explosive level and you might find yourself having a melt-down in the middle of the grocery store or at work.

Oh there’s so much about life that is good and bad. Take the bad in stride and look for what else is out there that is good. More on that in follow-up posts.

Sad today? Find something that brings you joy and go do it. Have lunch with a friend, do some retail therapy, go for a jog. Make sure it’s something that you really enjoy and can do without pining or wistful thinking.

*hugs*

Yeah, it’s hard to do. I mentioned that in my last post. I’ve been listening to break-up songs all morning and I’m finding that I relate to a lot of the emotions and feelings written into the songs, but not always the situation behind the meaning of the song. In other words, many of those tortured-souls wrote about the loss of love usually because someone cheated or left them or just went plumb-crazy.

My situation is different. I *love* my newly “ex” ex-boyfriend. As in, a lot. And unfortunately for both of us, he still loves me too.

You know that Shakespearean phrase “star-crossed lovers”??? Look it up in the dictionary, our picture is there next to it.

Let me tell you a little about this awesome ex of mine: he’s awesome. He’s adorable. He’s thoughtful and romantic and damn funny. I’ve dated him longer than I’ve dated anyone else in my life, and I’ve had beautiful, wonderful experiences with him that I’ve not had with anyone else. Ever.

You’re probably wondering “What the heck! Don’t break up! True love is hard to find! Make it work! Sacrifice for it! Do anything for it! Too many people are lonely and looking for love and you found the real deal!? You are an idiot to walk away!!!”

I’m thinking the same thing, trust me. But don’t forget that star-crossed thingie. The cheated by the cosmos, God played a cruel trick on us realization that we’ve both had on-and-off the past few months.

See, this awesome guy is quite a bit younger than me (hold off on the cougar jokes. I’m sensitive right now). He’s not been married before and is currently enjoying his life as a successful entrepreneur working on his own terms, going out when he wants, where he wants, spending money on what he wants, when he wants.

Me? Single mom of two. That should stir up enough stereotypes for you to now say “Oh, I get it.” Don’t get me wrong, my kids are GOOD KIDS. They’re well behaved, respectful, empathetic and good kids. But they’re still kids which means they demand a lot of energy, attention and focus. So when an awesome guy is dating an awesome gal who is also a mom, he’s gotta be ready and willing to share the attention, love and focus.

Awesome ex guy has done a great job of that, really. Especially since he’s never really hung out around kids. He’s been open and honest with me at every step of the way and we’ve worked so hard to tweak things here and there to make sure everyone all around is happy and feeling like they’re getting their fair share of the mom/girlfriend attention.

But it all comes down to this: I don’t want to just date people for the next (insert unknown number of weeks, months or years here).  While I’m not looking for a new dad for my kids (Lord knows I’ve spend their entire lives caring for them solo, and I can do it all by myself tyvm) I do want someone who at least GETS kids, and is okay that sometimes I can’t be available to them because I have a kid puking on me or needing help with homework or just needs some extra mom time because of a bad day.

We went into this relationship knowing what each other wanted: me, to settle down at some point, maybe have one more little bundle of joy in a loving, caring, secure relationship and experience parenting with a partner. Him: well those sorts of things aren’t out of the question, but they aren’t something he wants to happen in the next 5-10 years.

I sort of realized that things needed to come to a halt sooner rather than later this past Superbowl Sunday. It was a catastrophe of the most uncomfortable proportions that made me realize that I can’t always be me and the kids and my guy, that I have to (more often than not) put them in the background, or the bottom of the totem pole, to give 100% to this relationship. It made me feel like I had to be two people: Victoria the girlfriend and Victoria the mom.

Don’t get me wrong: us women SHOULD keep that separate ‘identity’ for times we’re with our spouses or partners otherwise we may as well wipe their bottoms, too. What I’m talking about here is being TWO different people and the two aren’t allowed to mingle or meet. It’s hard enough to switch gears after a day of working, mothering, cooking and cleaning and then be cute and energetic in a relationship. It’s not just single moms that struggle with burnout at the end of the day, my married gal-pals do, too.

Anyhoo. it’s an impossible situation. One of us has to give up and sacrifice BIG time: he’d have to give up his single carefree days of bachelorhood. Me: I’d have to wait 5-10 years to get married or maybe have a baby IF we stayed together that long, and by that time I don’t know that I’d be able to or want to anymore.

So you see, it’s just not gonna work out without some major undertakings that neither of us are 100% sold on doing. While I’d do just about anything for the awesome ex, I don’t know if I could give up ME. And I don’t want to ask him to give up, well, HIM.

Sucks.

So, let’s say you are dating someone who you’ve been with for almost a year. And one sad day you both realize that while you truly and honestly love each other, your relationship just won’t work out and you both decide to call it quits.

But breaking up IS hard to do you know – they write songs about it all the time – and you’re no exception to the rule. It seems silly to break up JUST because things won’t work out in the next year or two for you (because you are in different stages of life and you aren’t both going in the same direction) but the sacrifice either one of you would have to make to keep it together would just be hurtful in the long-run.

Do you cut it off cold turkey? Wean off your relationship (especially if you are used to hanging out every single day/night!) or just push through until someone else comes along?
Help a friend out. What’s your advice?