My Blah-Blah-Blog

March 1, 2010

What’s the big deal!?

Filed under: Relationships — Tags: , , , , — mswiggie @ 11:04 am

If you don’t know by now, I’ve been dealing with some relationship issues the past few days, weeks, months. =)

See, I met this amazing guy. I was in a lonely time in my life and was praying, hoping for someone to come along and sweep me off of my feet. By chance I met up with my downstairs neighbor who’d lived below me for several months and don’t you know, we hit it off.

I don’t just mean we hit it off as in “wow what a great time, hope we hang out again soon” sort of way. No no no, I mean we were inseparable for months, doing everything together. We had great dates, great long deep conversations about life and love and everything in-between. Even a trip to the grocery store was fun together. He’s a perfect fit for me: we never argue, he’s romantic and considerate (did I mention he’s an amazing kisser!?), he’s handsome and funny and I’ve never been this in-love (excluding how I feel about David Boreanaz but that’s different) and I’ve never been in this great or healthy of a relationship for this long.

So why on earth am I talking break-up with this Mr. Perfect!? Well, it’s because I want to get married and have one more little baby before too long. And, while Mr. Perfect may want that one day, it’s not any time soon. As in, maybe late this century.  It doesn’t help that I’m already blessed with two little offspring which likely causes him a little panic as if I’m looking for a new dad for my kids.

I get that. I respect that. And I would never, ever force him into something he wasn’t ready for, or didn’t want. I remember when I met my now ex-husband he had two kids and was divorced. I can’t say I’m without empathy for Mr. Perfect.

That actually isn’t the point here. I have heard from many a-friends over the past three weeks seeking relationship advice. Not sure why they are coming to me, but hey it’s a girl’s duty to help her girlfriends out, right?

There seems to be a problem and it’s impacting almost every single one of my single girlfriends in the world. “I just want to get married, and settle down.” Okay, nothing wrong with that, right?

So why is it, then, that SO MANY of today’s available guys are declaring  “we’re breaking up because she wants to get married someday.”

Yeah, so what? Now, I’m not talking about the guy who doesn’t want to marry the chick he’s only been dating for a few weeks, or the guy who is trying to finish college and start a career so he can provide for a family someday in the future. I’m talking about the guys who act like getting married is a terrible, horrible panic-inducing thought.

Call it commitment issues, call it being afraid of never being able to ogle at a strippers boobies at a birthday celebration, call it whatever you want. I just think we should call it something.

When I was growing up, I was reading books and watching movies that all had one theme in common: young girl wants love, finds love, marries man of her dreams. I was told there was someone out there just for me, and one day we’d meet and get married and have cute little babies. So I waited for that. Waited and waited and waited. And when Hitler my ex came along, I’d waited for so long that when someone came along who was a potential, I settled on him thinking no one else was coming and he’d do. (Bad idea).

But back to my whining. We girls grow up thinking we’re going to get married some day. But it seems that men are more and more afraid of marriage. I can’t say that I blame them with ridiculous divorce rates like 1 of every 2 marriages end in divorce. Disheartening indeed.

So guys, really, what is it? Now, don’t tell me you are backing off from the girls are badgering you to get married. I’m not looking for the why behind THAT sort of refusal. I’d likely tell you to run the other way – and fast – if a girl is truly pressuring you or badgering you to jump into a lifelong committment way too soon.

What I AM looking for is:

why do guys make girls feel bad for even wanting to get married? We get made fun of for looking at the pretty sparkly dresses or pretty rings, thinking about all the fantasies we’d had since we were little girls of being THAT girl on her wedding day. Why is that a bad thing?

Why do you want to run away the moment a girl admits “Well, yeah I have always wanted to get married and have a family and a pretty little house.” She never said WITH YOU so if it’s in the conversation, why do you feel like she’s sinking her talons into you!?

I’m wondering if it’s because there are so many single parent families out there that boys and girls are growing up thinking being single is how to do things. (Note: don’t get me wrong, PLEASE. There isn’t anything wrong with being single (hello, I’m single) and a big fat medal is awarded by me to every single single-parent out there because you are truly saints).

So tell me what you all think. Do women over-think, over-plan for the day of her dreams? Should we all just forget about finding Mr. Right, Mr. Perfect and focus on our careers, our homes, our dogs? Should women tell a man straight up: Hey, I want to get married at some point. Not today, maybe not to you, but I want you to know that I’m dating with the intent of finding someone I’m compatible with, in hopes that the relationship could lead to something deeper, longer lasting. And if this doesn’t go anywhere, I’m cool with that. But if we end up being head-over-heels in love, well I’d like to hope you would feel the same way about wanting to be with me forever as I do with you.”

Be nice with comments. And, for the record, Mr. Perfect is right in how he feels right now, and this blog has nothing to do with whether or not he wants to hang out with me for forever. :)

February 26, 2010

On surviving a break-up: it’s possible.

Filed under: Breaking Up =(,Relationships — Tags: , , , , — mswiggie @ 9:27 am

It’s happened to all of us I’m sure: breaking-up. I broke up with my first beau in kindergarten, but we exchanged fat pencils and were still friends after all was said and done. My most recent (and probably most painful) just happened within a week.

So, how ’bout you? Gotta make it through a tough break-up? It’s possible to do, even though right now you probably feel like climbing into a hole and crying your eyes out for the rest of your life. I know I do.

Just take a deep breath and from here on out think with your head more than you think with your heart. And maybe take in a little of what I have to say.

First of all, remember that a relationship – romantic or otherwise – is based on emotions.  It only stands to reason that all of the emotional buildup and bliss and romantic giddy feelings leading to your relationship has to come down the other side of the hill. It’s painful, heart-wrenching, and it hurts oh-so-bad. This is one of the times in life where you really have to buckle down, prepare yourself for the torrent of emotions that are going to come up (and may be worse on some days more than others). I gotta repeat a concept for you here: you absolutely have GOT to do your best to think everything through with your head to get through this! You cannot rely on emotions to define your reality.

The next important thing to remember is this: be mature about the break-up. Sure, your feelings are probably hurt. You may be really mad at your new ‘ex’. But listen: it wasn’t so long ago that you loved this person (and probably still do). Remember the good things about your ex, the things that made you enjoy their company and your relationships. Don’t focus on how or why you broke up. The fact is, none of those things matter now as you walk through this initial phase of your break-up. Honestly, thinking about the negatives will only hurt you and draw out the process. Trying to figure out the why or the how of the breakup could set you back: you will want to try to get him or her back even though you’ve reached the conclusion that you shouldn’t be together, or you may manipulate your ex to take you back just so you don’t have to experience this pain (or allow yourself to be manipulated!).

Along the lines of being mature, don’t bad-mouth your ex, regardless of what he or she has done. Take the higher road and leave it be. Any potential future dates don’t want to hear you badmouth your current ex. He or she may take that as a big red flag. Avoid the drama, let it go. Stop contacting your ex, even if it’s an amicable split. This doesn’t have to be permanent, but you really do need a few days to get all of these emotions out of your system!

And lastly, take some time to let those emotions out. Cry a few nights in a row, be sad about whatever you want to be sad about: the loss of the relationship, loss of a friendship, all the good memories you had. You may feel like you’ll never love anyone this much ever again. You may feel rejected, betrayed, angry. Allow each emotion to surface, take a look at why you think you’re experiencing it, and let it be for a few minutes. Trying to stuff your emotions to just move on may help you for the short-term, but in the long-run it will reach a potentially explosive level and you might find yourself having a melt-down in the middle of the grocery store or at work.

Oh there’s so much about life that is good and bad. Take the bad in stride and look for what else is out there that is good. More on that in follow-up posts.

Sad today? Find something that brings you joy and go do it. Have lunch with a friend, do some retail therapy, go for a jog. Make sure it’s something that you really enjoy and can do without pining or wistful thinking.

*hugs*

February 24, 2010

On breaking up.

Filed under: Relationships — Tags: , , — mswiggie @ 11:15 am

Yeah, it’s hard to do. I mentioned that in my last post. I’ve been listening to break-up songs all morning and I’m finding that I relate to a lot of the emotions and feelings written into the songs, but not always the situation behind the meaning of the song. In other words, many of those tortured-souls wrote about the loss of love usually because someone cheated or left them or just went plumb-crazy.

My situation is different. I *love* my newly “ex” ex-boyfriend. As in, a lot. And unfortunately for both of us, he still loves me too.

You know that Shakespearean phrase “star-crossed lovers”??? Look it up in the dictionary, our picture is there next to it.

Let me tell you a little about this awesome ex of mine: he’s awesome. He’s adorable. He’s thoughtful and romantic and damn funny. I’ve dated him longer than I’ve dated anyone else in my life, and I’ve had beautiful, wonderful experiences with him that I’ve not had with anyone else. Ever.

You’re probably wondering “What the heck! Don’t break up! True love is hard to find! Make it work! Sacrifice for it! Do anything for it! Too many people are lonely and looking for love and you found the real deal!? You are an idiot to walk away!!!”

I’m thinking the same thing, trust me. But don’t forget that star-crossed thingie. The cheated by the cosmos, God played a cruel trick on us realization that we’ve both had on-and-off the past few months.

See, this awesome guy is quite a bit younger than me (hold off on the cougar jokes. I’m sensitive right now). He’s not been married before and is currently enjoying his life as a successful entrepreneur working on his own terms, going out when he wants, where he wants, spending money on what he wants, when he wants.

Me? Single mom of two. That should stir up enough stereotypes for you to now say “Oh, I get it.” Don’t get me wrong, my kids are GOOD KIDS. They’re well behaved, respectful, empathetic and good kids. But they’re still kids which means they demand a lot of energy, attention and focus. So when an awesome guy is dating an awesome gal who is also a mom, he’s gotta be ready and willing to share the attention, love and focus.

Awesome ex guy has done a great job of that, really. Especially since he’s never really hung out around kids. He’s been open and honest with me at every step of the way and we’ve worked so hard to tweak things here and there to make sure everyone all around is happy and feeling like they’re getting their fair share of the mom/girlfriend attention.

But it all comes down to this: I don’t want to just date people for the next (insert unknown number of weeks, months or years here).  While I’m not looking for a new dad for my kids (Lord knows I’ve spend their entire lives caring for them solo, and I can do it all by myself tyvm) I do want someone who at least GETS kids, and is okay that sometimes I can’t be available to them because I have a kid puking on me or needing help with homework or just needs some extra mom time because of a bad day.

We went into this relationship knowing what each other wanted: me, to settle down at some point, maybe have one more little bundle of joy in a loving, caring, secure relationship and experience parenting with a partner. Him: well those sorts of things aren’t out of the question, but they aren’t something he wants to happen in the next 5-10 years.

I sort of realized that things needed to come to a halt sooner rather than later this past Superbowl Sunday. It was a catastrophe of the most uncomfortable proportions that made me realize that I can’t always be me and the kids and my guy, that I have to (more often than not) put them in the background, or the bottom of the totem pole, to give 100% to this relationship. It made me feel like I had to be two people: Victoria the girlfriend and Victoria the mom.

Don’t get me wrong: us women SHOULD keep that separate ‘identity’ for times we’re with our spouses or partners otherwise we may as well wipe their bottoms, too. What I’m talking about here is being TWO different people and the two aren’t allowed to mingle or meet. It’s hard enough to switch gears after a day of working, mothering, cooking and cleaning and then be cute and energetic in a relationship. It’s not just single moms that struggle with burnout at the end of the day, my married gal-pals do, too.

Anyhoo. it’s an impossible situation. One of us has to give up and sacrifice BIG time: he’d have to give up his single carefree days of bachelorhood. Me: I’d have to wait 5-10 years to get married or maybe have a baby IF we stayed together that long, and by that time I don’t know that I’d be able to or want to anymore.

So you see, it’s just not gonna work out without some major undertakings that neither of us are 100% sold on doing. While I’d do just about anything for the awesome ex, I don’t know if I could give up ME. And I don’t want to ask him to give up, well, HIM.

Sucks.

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