Posts Tagged ‘single mom’
Why my kids deserve medals
Posted by: mswiggie
December 9th, 2009 >> I Can Be Serious Too, You Know..., Rants
WAIT! DON’T GO!! I promise, this isn’t a blog about my perfect little angelic kids. It’s much more than that. Read on!
Ayup: I’m a single mom. I have two kids – 10 and 7. They’re great kids and I’m not just saying that because I’m their mom. They’re just mellow, chill, friendly little people. They slept through the night at 5 weeks, potty trained after a few days, never had the terrible twos, and get along rather well with each other even though they have occasional spats. But they don’t hit or bite each other and never throw tantrums. I’m truly blessed to have such great kids. They aren’t perfect though: my daughter has a drama streak in her that tells me she’ll likely win an Oscar before she’s 20. My son feels the need to police what all of the other children do, so I’m guessing a career in law enforcement is on his horizon.
I’ve been a ’single’ parent ever since my daughter (the 10 year old) was born. Even though I was married, I was alone the whole ride from all the doctor’s appointments and sonograms to the scary pre-term labor stints at the ER. As a matter of fact, it was during one of those ER trips – hooked up to IVs and heart rate monitors – that I realized my then-husband was a word I’d rather not use here. I’ll never forget the day he said to me “If you want so much attention, get a puppy.”
It was a few short months later that his true colors surfaced and I realized I’d married an abusive alcoholic. I was cut off from my family and friends, not allowed to have anyone over and my phone calls were monitored. I was working but barely made enough to cover the bills. His money went to buy vodka and cigars. Eventually I couldn’t keep up with my own car-payment and my car was repo’d and I was literally at his mercy to go anywhere or do anything.
I’ll keep a long story short so I don’t bore you with all the scary details. Let’s just say I’m surprised my life hasn’t been turned into a Lifetime Movie of the Week yet.
Yep, there were frightening times when I thought maybe I was going to die. But there were times of victory, too, like when I finally got a job waiting tables and saved enough money to move into my own little section 8 townhouse, two kids in tow. They shared a room and I slept on the couch, but oh the sweet bliss of not having to be afraid or upset when I went to bed!
I’m the mom who found bags of groceries by the front door and money in the mail to pay for electricity. I’m the mom who went to bed on Christmas Eve crying because I had no cookies or gifts for my little ones, only to be woken up by wonderful and amazing friends bearing BAGS of gifts, clothes and food for my children.
I’m the mom who left everything behind and took my two little children and left the state in a move of secrecy to get away from what was an increasingly volatile situation with my at-the-time husband. We lived in a little 5th wheel trailer in my uncle’s backyard, the two kids and I sleeping in a tiny bed together.
We eventually moved up to sleeping on a blow-up mattress in a garage, then sharing a room in a house, and eventually moving to Raleigh to live with my brother.
And now, 6 years later, I have my own place (my own bed!). The kids FINALLY each have their own bedrooms after moving again and again. We’ve been at the same school for three years, the same church. I’ve been trying to establish roots for my kids, security, stability, routine. So far so good.
I finally got a divorce a few years ago when a family member paid for an attorney so I could get custody of the kids. Last Christmas the kids flew out to Colorado to see their dad for the first time after 5 years. He finally started paying child support a year ago – almost consistently – until last month.
Last night he called me in a fury: he’d been arrested for not paying child support, for being in contempt of court (he won’t provide his employment information to the county).
The funny thing? It’s all MY fault that he’s suffering so much, and I need to close the child support case so they leave him alone (and of course he’ll still send me child support every month). If I don’t do this, then he’s flying to North Carolina to file for full custody.
Sure, no big deal. If you are reading this you are probably scoffing like I did.
But I’ve gone down a rabbit trail. I was telling you about my great kids: my kids who every Christmas, every birthday know that they won’t get the latest and greatest toy, they may get one or two little things but they never hold their breath. We see cool stuff at the store and they say things like “Hey this is sooooo cool! I wish I could have it!!!” Only to follow-up with a statement like “Oh, it’s too expensive. We probably can’t have it.”
Never snotty, never hateful, just resigned to the fact that our life is like “this.” They don’t complain when their pants get too small and ride up at the ankles, or when they have PB&J sandwiches for weeks on end for lunch, or Hamburger Helper for dinner again.
They didn’t complain when their dad gave them a Wii and an Xbox the day after Thanksgiving but said they had to leave them in Colorado. Instead they appreciate the fact they finally have one (I guess I’m the only one who thinks that was super mean to do to them…).
I’ve done my best to never say anything bad about their dad in front of them or to them. I make excuses for why he doesn’t send birthday cards or gifts, or why he never calls or writes or emails.
Yeah, it kills me to hear the kids say life is better at dad’s house where they have all this nice stuff like clothes that fit and a parent who is home all the time, and video games, and flat-screen tvs, and a cooler car.
But then they hug ME and say that those things don’t really matter in the long run, as long as we are together. *sniffle*
So, do you know a single mom? Kids of a single mom? Chances are they’ve all had a rough go at things. They are probably having a rough go at things right this minute. Maybe. Then again, you’ve got single moms who don’t sit around complaining all day and get up and get out there and try to make it better for themselves, for their kids.
We sacrifice as much as a married mom does, and sometimes a lot more. Our kids sacrifice too, and learn that life is just different for them without a dad around.
Sure, my case is extreme. My kids’ dad lives a billion miles away, not up the street. I have my brother to rely and count on (and oh is he ever there for us) but he only has so much he can give to.
It’s pretty much up to ME to continue to give the kids what they need most, and that is the character, integrity and strength to be good people even when in the face of adversity. To make good choices no matter how difficult that may be. To understand that not having the latest and greatest doesn’t make you a nerd or a loser, but makes you appreciate life so much more.
So yeah, this year I’d like to award my kids medals for being amazing, resilient, loving, gracious. And they’re damn funny, too. I’m taking consolation in this during the times I feel like the world’s lamest mom when I’m too tired to read a book at bedtime, don’t have a spare minute to cut the edges off a PB&J sandwich, or to build a lego castle. Cause I know my kids are going to be a-okay. Even if I feel like we’re not.
***If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, GET HELP! Contact your local law enforcement agency, department of social services, or check out this site for more information: http://www.ncadv.org/protectyourself/GettingHelp.php
I’ve had a few conversations over the past two weeks which have made me stop and think about why I’m always on Facebook or Twitter (sorry blog, I’ve been cheating on you SO BAD.) What is it about these two social networking sites that have me hooked?
I’ve pondered a bit this morning (not too much because that would interrupt my tweeting and status updates) and I’ve come to a few conclusions:
1) As a single mom of two kids, my at-home conversations usually go something like this:
“Mom, guess what? I farted!” or “Mom, there’s this boy at school…” You can figure out which comment belongs to which child: the 7-year old boy or the 10-year old girl. As you can see, there isn’t much substance accompanying either of these conversation starters.
2) I grew up in the military (Army brat tyvm) and I’m lucky enough to have found several pals on Facebook from way back when. Facebook gives me the ability to keep in touch with these friends without writing lengthy emails all the time. Rather, I’m able to catch up on their life just by browsing their profile page, and I know they can do the same on mine (although I’m sure most of them skip over the silly stuff like “Mason just farted”). Facebook also allows me some downtime to embezzle in companies, rob banks and blackmail those in government positions (Hey, I’m talking about Mafia Wars!) or to work on planting fields and crops in FarmTown (a true aid for OCD as you can make those rows perfectly straight).
3) Sometimes I can’t put what I really want to say on Facebook. Maybe I don’t need a million replies or comments, but instead a spot to post a rant, rave or something funny that just popped into my head. Probably funnier to me than to everyone else but hey, I’m just sayin. Then there’s that pesky little problem with Facebook: My boss is my friend. Yes I know, that’s like, bad juju on Facebook. However, I tried to de-friend her once and blame the powers that be (must be a glitch) but she pitched SUCH a fit (it’s true) that I HAD to add her back. (Scroll through my posts and you’ll see her comment about kicking and screaming.) So now I have to keep my snarky work-related comments to myself and send them into outer space via Twitter.
So yeah, I may be throwing out random quotes or comments, but every time I update my status or send out a tweet, I sort of feel a strange connection to all those 450 friends on Facebook (I only *really* know about half of them…) who may or may not be able to sympathize or empathize with me. Maybe I’ll give someone a laugh or maybe someday I’ll post something truly poignant and world peace will follow.
And blogging? Well, I guess this is my way of ’sharing a bit more details for those of you who really care… (cricket chirping noises).
Or maybe I’m just having a grown-up (albeit one sided) conversation.
=)