“You’re not like other women I know” he said. “You’re different. You’re smart, you’re beautiful. I find myself very attracted to you. You’re the only one I’ve ever thought about this way.” He said this while flipping that damned holster button. And then he walked away.

I was speechless. Never had I been so attracted to a man in my LIFE and had him reciprocate like that. I was certain he was out of my league. Even the most clever and witty phrase I could come up with was junk compared to his. My most brilliant IQ score would pale in comparison to his if he took the test blindfolded.

He’d call me on our days off and we’d chat and laugh and talk about everything and anything. He’d flirt, but just enough to let me know he had an attraction, but never crossed a line to make me feel uncomfortable.

One day, he brought me a Dove ice-cream bar while I was working. It was a treat, a surprise, and it made me feel like he was okay with other people know we talked.

But other people were *not* okay that we talked. One Richard to be exact. He’d become one of my really good friends that I trusted, enough to where he had a key to my apartment. He took advantage of this and one day he went into my house and read all of the emails that Curtis and I had exchanged.

He approached me, yelling at me for not telling him I had a boyfriend (say what?!). He said he thought HE was my boyfriend. He said he was going to go to the Captain to let him know I was in a relationship with Curtis and that we shouldn’t be on the same shifts.

To my surprise, he even confronted Curtis outside of the PD one day. They had a pretty intense discussion according to Curtis who told me what had happened. He said this to me: “[Richard] said he was going to tell the Captain that we’ve been seeing each other. He also said he would be willing to fight with me for you. I told him I would fight just as hard.”

Doesn’t this sound like it’s from a book?

Then Curtis asked me to meet him to chat for a few minutes. I did. He told me that he’d been contemplating ending his relationship with his current girlfriend, and that he wanted to be with me. But there was a problem: Richard had told him that we’d been seeing each other for months, that we were very serious and that we were going to move in together. I was incensed, angry, mad. He said we should make an effort to not speak to each other for a few days to see what Richard was going to do, to see how the department would respond.

The next day Richard and I both worked together. We were in a hallway and I was so angry that he was saying things to the Captain, lying to Curtis about our relationship. We stepped into a small side-room so nobody could overhear our conversation but at some point a Sergeant did, and he called us out saying we were stupid for having this discussion at work and that he’d have to let the Captain know.

It was such a mess. My heart hurt so bad every night, knowing I could have been with Curtis, knowing I should never have trusted Richard as much as I did, that maybe if I’d realized he wanted more of our relationship or thought more of our relationship than I did. I was so, so mad at him. I’d had enough drama at the PD and I did NOT need this to top it all off.

Sure enough, the rumor mill started up and the politicking began. I was told I was not permitted to work shifts with or speak to either Curtis OR Richard, that my permanent file would have a note on it about the situation and about my stirring up the situation with Richard at work and pulling him into what could have been a domestic at work. I was even strongly encouraged NOT to speak to either off duty as well. I was so mad. I didn’t even get to tell my side of the story.

I didn’t see or talk to Curtis much after that. One day he was on a call and a lady went crazy after he arrested her and was putting her into his vehicle. From what I remember, she started kicking at him and broke a few ribs. I was so upset when I heard he was hurt. I just wanted to be sure he was okay and tell him that I’d quit the PD if I had to, just so we could be together.

I made him some brownies and brought them in to the PD (which everyone else ate, I don’t remember if he ever got any!) I hoped things would soon blow over and maybe we could revisit our relationship, but it never happened.

I had to quit my job a few weeks later. Curtis called me once to ask if I was okay. He said he was going to quit soon as well because what of what happened and how it was handled.

Years later I heard Curtis was in a coma. I cried and prayed for days and days and days that he’d come out of it. If anyone deserved it, it was Curtis.

He did come out of it. He married his long-time girlfriend and made a life together. I moved on in my own life, but never did I find a guy who made me feel like Curtis did. Every now and then I’d dream about him, that we were together. The feelings that would stick with me the whole next day and my heart would hurt and I’d wish things were different.

My heart hurts just as much today, only more so. Curtis died a week ago. He’s gone. All that was brilliant and wonderful is gone from this world. He impacted many people.

I hear his funeral was perfect for someone of his caliber. I wish I could have been there. However, I can barely look at the photos from his memorial page on the web. It hurts an awful lot. Knowing I could have been with him, maybe his life would have been different, or maybe it would have had the same awful outcome.

Either way, I hope he is at peace and resting well.

URTOO: U R the only one.